Just Do It

I spent most of my marriage putting other people first.  And I don't really regret it.  When my life is REALLY over I will be able to look back and say, I did the right thing.  Even if it meant that I suffered, or did without.  I think that is really what love is about.  Not being the focus of everything being about you.

Now, however, I am in a different place.  So I'm gonna tell a story.

I was a Tetracycline child...having been given it as a child with a high fever and it led to my front tooth being pretty discolored.  I didn't smile with my teeth until I was in around 8th grade and my mom found a dentist to do this "paint" thing to the tooth.  It was painted with something and then hit with an ultraviolet light and voila.  The tooth was no longer discolored (as bad...this would have been the 70s so keep that in mind).  Later, the same tooth was crowned, which made the tooth better, but the crown apparently irritated the gum around it to the point where I had a gingivectomy and I think the dentist went pretty ham with the cutting away of gum.  Over the years I continued to have issues with that area.  Always a little too pink and swollen, no matter what I did.

Then, one NYE morning, I was getting ready for work (Gymboree) and I pulled out a new pair of socks still wrapped in plastic and I did what I always do:  I used my teeth to start the tear in the plastic/paper.  When it didn't tear I looked at it and lo and behold my tooth was tucked under the paper.  Before majorly panicking, I checked to see if the crown had come off of the stub.  No, it hadn't.  It snapped off leaving a very small piece of visible tooth at the gum line.  NOW I panicked.   I managed to get into the dentist who attempted to cement it back in place (remember, this is Dec 31), which lasted all of maybe an hour before it fell off.  So, I spent NYE front toothless (which we spent at a hotel with family), not really in the mood to socialize.  Go figure

When I got back into the dentist I had a decision to make.  Do I get a partial plate, a bridge (and destroy two perfectly good teeth in the process) or an implant.  The partial wasn't really an option.  The bridge was the cost of 3 crowns and the implant was one, takes longer and is more expensive.  I went with door number 3.

So.  First step.  Make a flipper (a temporary partial).  Next step, pull the existing root.  Once that was done I had to wait about 4 months for the hole to heal and for the bone to start filling in the empty space.  Then the implant was installed.  So, that is usually a metal screw only, but in my case they put the metal screw in with the abutment (that is the piece that screws into the screw think of the implant as like a metal molly bolt)  with the crown attached. Normally this is a two step process.  They put in the implant, let the gum heal and the bone attach to the implant, then the abutment, which means cutting the gums and allowing the gum to  heal around the abutment, but in my case they put the implant and abutment in together.  I still had to heal for another 4 months before getting the crown.

When you live without a permanent front tooth, getting ANYTHING into place is a relief.  And like most things I do, I accepted substandard because I didn't want to make waves.  The crown was installed but I was never really happy with it.  It was sorta close to my natural tooth color but still a bit off.  The shape never felt right...much bulkier than my other teeth but again, I accepted it because I didn't know better.

As the years went on , I had my teeth professionally whitened a couple times and it never seemed to help with the comparison against the crown.  I mean my teeth looked positively gray in comparison, and yet I know they aren't. These past maybe 7-8 years it has become more and more readily apparent.  Then I switched dentists and I asked her what can we do.  I REALLY don't want to destroy my other front tooth to make them closer in color by crowning it too.  She said...let's redo the old crown.

So, it has been about 8 weeks since I started the process and I'm still not done BUT, HOLY CRAP...the difference.  I have spent a lot of time at the lab trying to get the color right.  And for once I have someone ELSE looking out for my best interests.  Saying, nope that's not good enough.  We want this right, which is so completely foreign to me. And that's not just the lab but my dentist as well.  Her take is if we do this, we do it right.  I currently have crown #2 which is made from zirconium temporary glued in place, mostly because I had my son's wedding and wanted to be sure I actually HAD a tooth for the wedding.  They wanted me to take it for a test run and see what I thought.

The problem is that they can't get the opacity of the crown because of the placement of the existing abutment which is too close to the surface of the tooth.  So no matter how they color the tooth, it will always be too bright to hide the abutment and that brightness against my other teeth makes them look bad.  "Comparison is the thief of Joy".  I'm looking at the artwork my daughter did and it fits.

So, I am going back in to have crown #3 made with a new abutment that will be better placed within the implant allowing for greater opacity of the crown.  The lab that does the color has a sign on the wall saying the best restoration is the one you can't tell is a restoration.

And I don't have to settle anymore.

*UPDATE*  yeah, that abutment was going to cost me another $1200 in which insurance won't cover.  So we're stepping up the bleach hoping to bring the others to the same brightness.  Sigh...

 

Humble Beginnings

 I have some fairly humble origins.  I was not born a poor black child.  Neither was I born with a silver spoon in my mouth.  I came into this world at a time when my family would have been considered low to middle of the road middle class.

My dad's parents lived in Staten Island.  His mom was off the boat for Ireland so I have that going for me. They raised 3 children in a house that by today's standard would probably be considered section 8 but because location, location, location...that 948 sq ft house has a Zillow estimate of $648K.  No, you didn't read that wrong.

My mom's family was a bit different.  My grandpa died 3 months before she was born, my grandma died when she was around 2 so she and her older sister was raised by my great aunt (my grandma's sister, here-to-forth known as grandma).  At one point in history, my mom's family were farmers and owned most of middle Indiana.  My great-grandfather lost it gambling (there's a whole lot of back stories but that's the gist).  But mom was raised in a craftsman style home in Logansport.  Decent sized for the most part (2200 sq ft).  She sold it in 1978 when my grandma had some health issues and moved her in with my parents.  Zillow has that house at $76K now.   Location, location, location.  Apparently Logansport does not fall into the realm of a good one.

With the money from the sale of my grandma's house, my parents bought a house in upstate NY.  Large enough for my parents, my grandma and brother to be on one floor, and my sister and I to live in a partially finished basement. LOTS of wood paneling (to be fair...it was mostly solid knotty pine). We were also within about 50 yards with community access to Lake Champlain, so that was an added bonus for resale.

Neither of my parents were college educated. My dad was in the Air Force for 28 years and earned his associates degree after he retired.  Mom worked as an office manager for various industries once we were all on school full time.  Because we were involved in busing in DC we ended up in private schools (FYI...we DID the busing, and it didn't work out well), so an added expense to my dad's enlisted salary.  When we moved to NY, the schools were on split sessions which meant my mom had kids coming and going JUST to and from school (so not including before school/after school activities) from 5am-7pm at night and she said no.  So back into private schools we went.  My brother was in 5th grade, my sister 11th and I was in 8th.  So that's 14 years of private school tuition.

Still, they made it work.

We didn't have fancy clothes.  Mostly purchased either from Sears or Pennys or the BX (Bobby Brooks was BIG in the BX). Except the one year in catholic schools in DC.  We wore uniforms.  The transition to the catholic school in NY was much different because they had a dress code and most parents had the money to dress their kids expensively while meeting the dress code.  Mine didn't.  Hell...I remember wearing my box pleated uniform skirt to school in NY, that was the level of desperation.  Still, I knew my parents were putting their income into something more tangible with paying for our education than clothes.  So, I didn't complain...much.

We also didn't have "vacations".  Our vacations were driving 12 hours to Indiana to see my grandma (when she was still there) or 4-6 hours to Staten Island.  One year, my parents took my younger brother to Texas to visit friends and left my sister and I with my grandma in Indiana for the summer.  Our last year in DC, the owners of the company my mom worked for  (there were 2) each had condos in Ocean City.  My dad ran a paint business on the side (side bar...while in the Air Force, in addition to painting and wallpapering, he also laid carpet) and they offered my dad a week at their condos in exchange for him painting them.  So we did get 2 weeks out to Ocean City.

Those were my fairly humble beginnings.  I think they left a good impression.  My goal was to raise my children the same.  And I failed miserably.  Which I own.

Let's start with clothes.  Once I discovered Gymboree with  my very first child, I was a lost cause.  I could dress my children similarly without being matchy-matchy and without my girls looking like prosti-tots.  And I spent WAY too much money on clothes for them, mostly girls.  By 2-3rd grade they figured out that most of their friends weren't dressed like...well...little girls, having their wardrobe obtained from Limited-Too/Justice, and we were off in running with the wardrobe battles.  I relented with each kid a little more but when you're paying that much for a pair of jeans for a child who will out grow them in 2-3 months, you become more careful about where you're willing to put your cash.  I stupidly didn't purchase second hand (unless it was off of ebay and I happened to be obsessed with a certain Gymboree line that allowed me to collect certain items in every size...yeah....I did that) which I also regret.  When they got old enough to want more of a say, I tried to be more flexible but I had a couple pretty hard and strict rules.  One...No verbiage written across the butt (note...I have had to stop using the word fanny having been educated to the British slang definition).   If you wanna know why, read about it here. I wasn't going to buy them Uggs because 1. they are very expensive and 2. they weren't ones to treat expensive items with the respect they deserved (nothing like looking into your laundry room and seeing boots covered with salt and water stains)  But I tried to accommodate by finding decent knock-offs.  Yeah...from China.  Yeah...they sucked (side bar 2:  my daughter had a friend, while in a group of friends, examined her Fuggs, fake uggs, thoroughly and proclaim them fake.  In front of everyone.  THIS is what kids do these days).  So the real upshot here is that, through their peers, kids learn there are brands you wear and brands you don't and where you are on the social hierarchy will depend on the brands you wear. As a parent...do you feed the beast?  It's a difficult line and one I simply do not remember my parents walking.  OR if they did, it was a time in history where we simply did not argue with them.

Now let's look at "entertainment".  We took the kids to restaurants (the kind where table manners are imperative, bu tnot at an Emily Post level),  State Fairs, Renaissance Festivals, concerts (or they went with friends), skiing, theater,  games (all the pro games) and those aren't inexpensive endeavors, EVEN IF you happen to get free/cheap tickets, the parking, food, drinks (we will definitely be needing drinks) come at a much steeper price then cracking a cold one while watching a game on TV.

Then there's vacations.  When the kids were young they spent LOTS of weekends at the cabin or driving down to my family in Indiana. Neither really "vacations" but events that I didn't experience.  When the youngest was 3 we took our first family vacation to South Dakota.  We drove and it was a long drive but it was fun.  I think I planned it well. With mostly cabin set ups in various locations.  2 years later we took the kids to DC, then out to Ocean City for a few days then back to Baltimore for a baseball game (Twins!!!) it was a longer drive but still fun.  Then in 2008 my ILs decided to celebrate their 50 year anniversary a year early and took the whole family (21 of us) to Mexico.  That was the kids' first airplane trip.  And aside from the sunburn, they did really well.  In 2009 we introduced them to the Boundary Waters without "camping" by renting a cabin.  You get your feet wet before you dive in.  Trust me.  2010 and 2012 we took the kids to Mexico again (the other coast).  As the kids got older, each trip was prefaced by...this is a gift, NOT an entitlement. Any guesses what the impact of those words were?  Precisely ZERO.

So that is the back story to my post.  A kind of me vs them.  Because I feel like I created a monster.  Or 4.  As parents we are excited to have kids experience that which I may not have had the opportunity to, and be grateful for the experience, however, no matter how you frame it, it always seems to become an entitlement.  Something they somehow believe they should either expect or are owed.  OH, you don't hear it at the time, they are uber appreciative.  But let next year roll around and the inevitable...where are you taking us this year?  question comes up. And you throw a divorce in there and WHOO BOY...you've also got the guilt card, the comparison card...basically you have yourself a losing hand of bullshit cards.  

Then there is college.  When did it become the rigueur du jour for college students to:  not be expected to share a room (either dorm or apartment)? To frequent every restaurant on campus? To NOT have to live on ramen noodles, mac-n-cheese or Totino's pizza? To live as if you had a job and weren't just spending your loan money? To get new bedroom linens each year, and expect actual linen ones? To expect a spring break vacation every year?  When did this happen?  Are there other parents out there looking at their kids' loans and wondering if maybe they had lived as COLLEGE STUDENTS, they wouldn't be as high. I was at Purdue for 3 years (with living expense loans for each year) and I can tell you I probably ate at 4 different places in all that time.  I also spent spring break in Oak Ridge TN, training for crew at a cost of $150 for the week. All 3 years.  So when did it become less about getting an education and more about the "experience" of living on your own but using your loan money to thoroughly enjoy yourself? Did I miss the memo?

I feel like there was a time when I was the parent of no and it really didn't make a difference.  ESPECIALLY post divorce.  One of my kids took several trips (while working...I'll give them that) while I was supplementing their income so the could pay their rent.  My thoughts were if you have enough money for extra trips (which at the time I had no job and no money) then you don't need my money so I stopped.  And daddy stepped in.  It's lessons like these that kids need to learn and don't/can't when divorced parents are not on the same page.  No one wants to be the bad guy and there is a need to weigh, are you doing more harm than good by kicking these lessons down the road?  I do admit to that, but I was also, on occasion  willing to don the title. 

I want to be a safety net for my kids, even as the adults they are.  But instead of doing the adulting job and making decisions based on what you can afford, which has never been a requirement and I think is the crux of the issue, they seem to want to continue spending without the understanding that *I* am paying your rent, utilities, phone, medical/dental, and mostly food while watching your dad pump money into you account (without seeming to look and see what you are spending money on) and then watch you jump on planes to warmer climes, or adding new skin art/piercings.  Some of this will be resolved by the end of the year, when I am no longer here, but that doesn't mean I will worry less.  My goal was for them to learn how to live within their means while I WAS the safety net and I've said this out loud to them repeatedly.  And they're not doing it.  Is this my failure or theirs?

 It's both.  I own my failings.  They have yet to fully experience theirs and unfortunately, when they do, it's going to be painful because they are from a generation that expects immediate gratification.  I'm hoping I have the testicular fortitude to do what I should have done and let them land how they will and not attempt to soften it.  I've offered enough warnings of what is to come.  I hope they heeded some.  Welcome to adulting.

Twisted Knickers

Did ya ever have one of those days when you felt like your knickers were perpetually twisted?  And then there is one thing that pushes you over the edge.  Well, I think I'm there.  And ironically, it's not something I SHOULD allow myself to be all twisted over because in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't important.  But do we ever get to choose that which is the last straw?  At least for any given day?

I won't get into specifics, because it really isn't important.  What is important is feeling marginalized.  Like efforts you  make don't matter.  That you don't count.  Yeah.  I'm there.   That thought process that says, "what is it going to take to matter?" or even questioning...DO I make a difference?  Maybe what it important to you isn't AS important to others.  Makes you stop and think.

Again, in the grand scheme of things, it's not something that will rule my life.  But it has been an eye opener and something that I need to give deeper consideration than I have in the past.  Like many things in my life I'm trying to listen to an inner voice and heed the warnings.  I think part of my problem is that when I give of myself, I'm all in.  And maybe others have a different definition of "all in" than I do.  Am I to blame?  Are others?  Clearly it's an expectation issue.  And this tends to fall to me for setting my expectations too high.

So that begs the question...ARE my expectations set too high?  Is common courtesy now a high expectation?  Like holding a door with someone with full hands (or even not)?  Like pausing to let someone cross in front of you?  I can name a whole list of these and in this day and age, I think the answer is yes.  Common courtesy has become too high of an expectation.  And how and when did that happen?  Probably when I was too busy giving too much of myself and didn't notice (OR...did I/have I?)

What does one do?  I think I need to take a (couple) giant step(s) back an gain a different perspective.  The obvious one is the visual one.  Up close, my "problem" seems bigger but maybe my issue isn't as big as I perceive it.  The next less obvious one is that perhaps this is what I need for prioritizing.

And it should start with me.  Because, as I've learned, if I don't prioritize me, who will?

 

PS...I found this in my draft folder (dated Jan 17, 2013) which I think is hilarious that our issues never really go away.  You just tuck them out of sight.  And it seemed to be a perfect prelude to my next post.  So stay tuned.

THAT Child

 

 

 

She came into my bedroom at o'dark thirty to show me this hat.

 

Which got me thinking.  When I restarted this blog I did so with the intent that this wasn't going to be about my kids and how parenting them was HARD.  Well, since it's my blog I'm going to take a moment of personal privilege. NO, it's not a birthday where all praises are the order of the day.  It's just your yearly St. Patrick's Day.  And no, the day, in and of itself, doesn't really call for one child to be singled out, but that's what I'm gonna do.

First (and there's always a preface), with 4 kids, they are constantly reminding me of how I love one of my children more than the rest.  Which is patently false.  I love each of my children DIFFERENTLY from their siblings.  But they don't see that.  They see only that I don't get mad at one as often...or that one "gets away" with more shit than they do.  They see my love through the prism of their experience and I can't change that.  But it isn't QUANTITY...it's QUALITY.  And quality looks different to different people.

So that said let's talk about life with Red.  Because, I am living with the adult version and it is challenging.  She is SO VERY OPINIONATED and I know she gets that from my side of the family.  I have it a little (those who know me, you just shut up), but OMG...my sister and my aunt (my mom's sister) had it in SPADES.  My mom used the phrase that "they went to the beat of their own drum" (and mom passed when I was 4 months pregnant with Red...she would have laughed SOOOO hard at me now) and this is accurate. They are/were all CRAZY (as in, so much that their pores ooze it) intelligent, and draw conclusions on what they know, not necessarily on what is/was fact.  Both can exist at the same time (as in, there are facts out there that they might not necessarily know).  But you can't convince them of this.  If they don't know it, it is not fact.  So...you see the challenge. And in all cases, they rarely own up to their mistakes.  They don't project or deflect.  They just ignore.  And you should too (or so they think).

 

From day one, this child was NOTHING like my other two (at the time). Again...why they don't get treated the same.  She didn't take a binky, choosing instead her index and middle finger as her paci, and if you were holding her, the other hand went directly to your earlobe.  No passing go, not collecting $200.  It didn't matter who was holding her, friend, foe, Jack the Ripper, this is what she did.  The earlobe thing she grew out of in her toddler years, but the fingers took much longer.  She was probably around 8 when SHE decided she was done and SHE was going to solve the problem.  So she wrapped tissue around her fingers and taped it there.  This was more of a nightly thing because it was done in her sleep. With a week she was done.  All on her own.

All through her school years she did not give ONE RIP about what people thought of her(I'm guessing she did, but she never let anyone see it)  Case in point: the green fuzzy hat(see above pic).  So her older sister went with friends to Mall of America and she won (I think) this lime green fuzzy bucket hat.  Red absconded with it wore it EVERYWHERE.  Probably for a good year.  When she graduated HS, I found the hat, I washed it up and sent it out with all of her close friends, to take picture of themselves wearing it at all of her favorite places around town.  Then a scrapbook of all the pictures was created.  I think that scrapbook was probably one of her favorite graduation gifts.

Once she turned 18 (her senior year), I knew my influence over her was done, but I hoped lessons in restraint (at least) were learned.  And I knew this when she decided to get her nose pierced.  I SO did not want this, but for my own reasons.  BUT...I knew she was going to do it so I tried to be as supportive as possible.  While this isn't MY thing, for her, it very much suits her personality.  And of course, as I expected once she realized she was on the road to "self realization", the tattoos came.  Now, I CAN'T get my panties in a twist over this having one myself (for myself), but as in real estate...Location, Location, Location.  She has mostly small tattoos but they hold meaning for her (R for Remy, Golden for Gophers, her Virgo sign, 444, etc)  Again, she is an adult and I'm just thankful she doesn't have giant flames shooting out of her ass, so you look for the positive.  And the reality is they suit her, the woman she has become.

 

She's my thrifter.  Now, I'm not a thrifter in the sense that she is, but I LOVE me a good bargain.  She is my treasure hunter in a world others consider trash and is able to find some of the most amazing deals and transform them into something that takes an imagination I simply do not have.  Clothes, collectables, ordinary things...she touches and POOF, they are now extraordinary.

 

The one area where she zagged where I though she would remain zigged was hair color.  She has gradually lightened her beautiful titian colored hair to a very pretty strawberry blonde, which fit her and was very attractive, but it just seemed so opposite to what I have come to know her actions to be.  She was never one to follow a trend and look like everyone else and her having this stunning hair color that set her apart and was who she was, was part of the package. In essence, her zagging baffled me.  One of those times with her that I've just had to say (mostly to myself), she'll figure it out. *see post script

With Red being a new college graduate, she is finding herself.  Her degree is in Psychology and she hopes to one day continue with her education eventually in the forensics world, "but that takes tools(money)...that takes time" and she needs to get her feet under her in this world of adulting.  So she obtained her first post college full time employment:  she is managing a Boxing Gym.

Because...WHAT ELSE WOULD THIS CHILD DO????

She has already made such amazing growth strides that I am certain this is a great fit for her.  In addition to typical office type manager duties, she is learning how to manage people, to be tactful, she gets to party plan (getting paid to do what she loves to do), and she is teaching boxing classes (as a beginner) to Parkinsons patients (for muscle control.  Side bar: my grandmother had Parkinsons, and her tremors were REALLY bad so this just makes my heart swell).

This woman...she OOZES self confidence in a way I simply cannot fathom.  Now I get a huge part of this is my conservative nature.  She would call it prude which to be honest makes me a little sad.  I don't think I am TOO propriety oriented, but I do think there is a level of decorum that society on a whole should adhere to, whether it's your clothing, your actions or your language. I don't want them codified but I also would expect people would use good sense.  Those aren't high expectations (which I readily admit I have).  I am in the "just because you can doesn't mean you should" camp, and she's in the "do it and see what happens" camp although I do try to look at her approach positively, admiring her bravado, while wishing she thought (she doesn't) that mine is ALSO ok.

So let me recap.  Red is very much her own person.  She is strong, opinionated and self confident.  She has the will to find a way (if SHE chooses).  She has a giving heart and tries to look for the best in people, sometimes to a fault (you can't and shouldn't always ignore the ugly). She is my Lucy in a world of Kardashians and I am so grateful I got to parent her and hopefully be part of who she has become.  Even if it was just a little.

*PS...for those who have seen her recent pictures, know she is pretty blonde now.  She has decided to my everlasting delight to return to her natural roots.  Lucy indeed.

 

 

 

 

Reading is Fundamental

 I was never much of a reader.  I wasn't.  I had no interest, so I struggled in elementary school because somethings REQUIRED reading.  Spelling for example.  I have a distinct memory of cheating on a 2nd grade spelling test with a book with the word violin in it because I could not for the life of me figure out  how to spell it . (SEE...that whole chicken...egg...argument in SO many different ways.  Yes, I was caught, no I didn't ever cheat on another test.

It wasn't until I was around 11 that my sister gave me my first Harlequin Romance.  OH YES I DID.  Now to be fair, it was what sparked my interest in reading, I didn't just head right down the road to smut (not then anyhow).  After I figured out that I could read something and enjoy it, I was able to go back and read some of the books I skipped over.  The Little House series.   The All of a Kind Family series .  I was still fairly particular as the topic had to spark my interest.  My sister did the Bobbsey Twins and Nancy Drew books, but I wasn't interested.

By 8th grade I had discovered such (chick-lit at that time) authors as Taylor Caldwell, Helen Van Slyke and yes Danielle Steele (WAY back in the day)  I was still reading the occasional Harlequin but I felt like I had grown as a reader (yeah...I can say that).  I remember in 9th grade, when the Thornbirds hit the shelves, staying up until 3am of the morning I had to go in and take a Geometry Regents (a NY state version of a final exam) exam just to finish it. I had also become a fan of Kathleen E Woodiwiss (whose prose tends to run a little purpley). I had come a long way.

My reading tastes expanded a bit over the years. But I struggle with two things: the classics and being told what to read.  This might harken to my high school days when I was forced to read the classics for English.  Freshman year was Red Badge of Courage (and I'm saddened to say I probably relied more on cliff notes).  Sophomore year was Ethan Frome.  I thank GOD Mrs Robinson read most of it in class because...no, just no.  And Junior and Senior year I have completely blanked out on what the required reading was.  But it was classic related.  Oddly enough, when I moved out on my own, I decided I needed to create my own library so I started purchasing the classic books (leather covers, gold foil lettering and page edging) from the Franklin Mint.  I have in my possession:  Moby Dick, Pride and Prejudice, David Copperfield, Vanity Fair, Huckleberry Finn, Candide, Plutarch- Selected Lives, Treasure Island...there may be a few more.  Wanna take a guess at which I've read?  Not one.  Maybe someday, when no one tells me I have to.

I moved through Dean Koontz and John Saul (creepy) books with regularity. Never a fan of Stephen King although I did read Thinner (he wrote it under a pseudonym).  I read all of the Harry Potter (have the first editions in hard cover..WOOT WOOT).  I read some Tom Clancy and Joel C Rosenberg. I became a huge fan of Vince Flynn but I haven't read anything by the writer who has taken over his Mitch Rapp series.  About 15 years ago I turned to Christian literature, having read all of the Left Behind series, and most of Karen Kingsbury.  I remember turning my oldest daughter onto Karen Kingsbury when she was a sophomore.  She read her voraciously that year and ended up with like a 1400 on her SAT reading scores. I made it through the first 3 of Diana Gabaldon Outlander series before I lost interest.  That could have been too much too fast.

And I have a problem with too much too fast of specific authors.  I discovered Jodi Picoult who I LOVED.  At first.  But her books do have a dark shadow in almost all of them and if you read them in succession that darkness tends to linger.  I had to break up reading them, choosing other authors in between,  and was fine.  Until I read Sing You Home.  She lost me there.  Never, in all my years of reading, did I flip to the back to see how  a book ended before that one and I did and threw it against the wall.  Not because I didn't know the ending, but because this time I did.  Her endings ALWAYS have a twist, which I rarely see coming in a book, until that book and she telegraphed how she would end it. There was definitely an agenda there.

Maybe 15 years ago, I made a hard left and started reading Historical Romance little knowing that in some cases it was soft porn.  Yeah.  I said it.  Bertrice Small was a favorite (and not I might add for the faint hearted).   And Stephanie Laurens. Both of them go through whole families and I liked that, eagerly awaiting the next book.  Other authors like Hannah Howell, had a couple different genres within the Historical Romance arena. She does mostly Highland romances but also adds a touch of paranormal into her books.  Linsay Sands is similar but dips into the occult. Lynn Kurland has 2 fun series, the Macleod and DiPaget, where she moves characters through time.  Karen Marie Moning also mixed Highlander Series (it must be the area) with some paranormal, THEN went straight up soft porn with her Fever Series (this was all about the fae, keep a fan handy).

My routine was to read at night in bed before turning out the light, or if I was sitting in the sun or bored.   Anyway, you get the picture.  A non reader turned reader.  Right up until the early days of the divorce when my ex told his girlfriend who relayed to her (now ex) husband who told me that I spent all of our marriage reading and he raised our kids pretty much on his own.  (just so you know, there is no way he could have had information regarding my reading...it had to come from somewhere).  At any rate, it was during that time that I literally stopped reading.  All together (yeah...I know the root cause). Oh here and there throughout the past 6 years I've managed to get through a new book (Kristen Hannah's Nightengale), but I haven't read with the same voracity as I used to.  I would have (actually I still do) have a stack of books on my nightstand to work my way through at night, but I have forgone that in favor of my phone or the TV (yes...I KNOW how bad that is).  As a result, I don't sleep well.  I spent the first 2 years on Trazodone, just to get a couple hours of sleep.  Then I tried melatonin which really didn't help.  Then exercise which calmed the body but not the brain.  It has only been in the last 2 years that I've been able to get some fairly decent sleep.  Ironically, in the heart of the city.  I could hear a train in my old house go through town 4 miles away, but in my 100 year old house, I hear only faint outside noise.

Last night I went to bed and I decided I was going to just read. No phone, no TV.  I picked up a new book I had and made it around 20 pages before the book started dropping...my tell that I am ready to turn out the light. I never even looked at what time it was.  Light off and I was out cold.  For a good 7 hours.  That just doesn't happen.  So I am now in experiment mode.  Will it work again tonight?  We'll see.  And if it doesn't, that doesn't mean I'm going to stop reading.  I've really missed it.

#WhereInTheWorldIsCarolyn???

Hello From a very sunny, breezy Meerufenfushi.  Meeru for short. A Maldivian island about an hour boat ride from Male.  I am...FINALLY...in the place I will call home for the next 2 weeks.  It's a little surreal and I'm not fully convinced that the past 3 days haven't been a dream, and if so...let me sleep...never wake a happy momma.

All this happened because I have an extremely generous sister and brother in law who invited me along .(I kinda think the BIL is gonna have fun with the whole "sister wives" thing.)  I need to back up a little.  They discovered the joys of cruising about 4 years ago and have taken to it like...well like a sister/sister-in-law to business class?   They have gradually booked longer and longer trips until my sister finally pulled the trigger on an around the world cruise.  They leave from Florida Dec of 2022 and end in London May of 2023.  And while they typically kennel their animals, this was too long of a time frame so they asked me if I would come out to Washington state and pet sit.  Since the pandemic has given the the opportunity to prove my effectiveness at working from home, I've been approved to work from Washington.  So sometime next fall I will take up temporary residence in Bellingham. (And to be clear NOT being in Minnesota for a winter made the decision much easier). As "compensation" for the inconvenience, and to a degree to help keep Michelle company for part of the 3 weeks that Bruce will be diving, they graciously offered me this opportunity.  And when opportunity knocks.  A LOT of flaming hoops had to be jumped through to make this happen, but...LOOK WHERE I AM! 

The Maldives are a group of islands (over 1000) of which around 190 are habitable.  It is almost exactly on the equator just south west of India in the Indian Ocean.  Meerufenfushi is in the N Atoll basically the most eastern most of the islands. Michelle and Bruce have one of those amazing rooms (this is after all their 5 year anniversary) over the water, the top red dot, while I am "making due" with a villa on the beach the other red dot).  

The entire island is a resort.   It's about 2 miles from end to end.  I walked a little of it yesterday but I'll be honest...the jet lag hit like a truck around 3 pm yesterday and the inevitable headache followed.  So I took a short nap, headed to dinner and returned to my room where I crashed.  Hard.

But not before catching my first sunset.

Where's that cool Dating Game music when you want it?

Way back when the divorce was in the final throes, I broke down and joined Match (followed by  Zoosk).  I'm no longer on either although my profile is.  Let's just call it a teaser. I'll throw some more money at it when someone interesting comes along.  Oh, mind you there have been interesting fella's there, but I am also realistic and when I see they're wanting kids, I'm fairly certain anyone in my age range is looking for Barbie.  Actually, I think what they are really looking for is someone in their late 30s who managed to survive motherhood and still look hot.  Yeah at 39 I did too.  At 58, not so much.  Which is why men my age date younger.  And younger women know that 15 year age gap might give them the payoff they want (oh c'mon...you know it's true).

I have a litany of stories to tell from online dating but today I'm going to talk simply about the profile.  Take your pick of platforms and away we go.

Both platforms (and I'm sure most) allow you to use a pseudonym although I think Match encourages you to use your real name (or a real-ish sounding one).  What I want to know is WHO EXACTLY told these guys when you make up you're nom d'amour, that you use and adverb and an adjective?  No seriously.  I wanna know and I want to have them flogged with a wet noodle.  Just scrolling through the notifications I found these (seriously...these are REAL pseudonyms):

• Gently Funny
• Creatively Tough
  
• Obviously Fierce
• Definitely Friendly
• Monstrously Genuine
• Positively Happy
• Creatively Handsome
  
• Casually Adventurous 
• Gently Caring

I mean...c'mon.  So if you want me to be the first to contact you I'm going to address you as...???  Quit trying to be cute.  It's not.

Next.  The pictures.  Most of my pics were taken post divorce and with my kids and I'm ok with that.  At least they're not at ridiculous angles or bathroom selfies.  FYI guys...there's a selfie feature* on your phone (unless you're still using a Fisher Price phone) that flips the camera so you do not have to take a pic in front of a bathroom mirror.  There's also an editing app that will allow you to crop out the fact that you're in the bathroom.  But my favorite is the pics themselves.  First.  Keep your freaking shirt on.  I know, I know...you're SUPER PROUD of your pecs and your guns but let me ask this...would you want to meet any woman shirtless in person?  What does that say about you?  Just keep your shirt on. We'll get there.  Maybe.  Next, and I'm sure I'll get a lot of flack over this one, but keep the fish out of the picture.  Our eyes go right to the fish, NOT to you and if that's your goal then DAMN, time for some self esteem building exercises.  And last...but most certainly NOT least (and you KNOW it's coming right?), the motorcycle.  Yeah...I know.  My ex had one in our pre-divorce timeline.  I think women/wives recognize the signs of a midlife crisis and typically say...well, it's either the motorcycle or the girlfriend (mine apparently didn't realize the very reluctant ok for the motorcycle was NOT an ok for the girlfriend too.  If I were to think about it, I was informed of both after the fact so he remained true to form).  So yeah, you have a motorcycle and you LOVE your motorcycle and it's now an extension of you.  Pro-tip...we don't need to see all your extensions right off the bat.(SWIDT? 😉)

And  the "my friends say I'm..."  Honestly?  I don't care what your friends say you are.  They could think you're a douche-canoe but they'll still sing your praises which doesn't really tell me anything does it?. YOU are the best person to describe you.   Yeah, sure you're friends are gonna paint you in a glowing light and yeah, you might do that too but I can figure it out soon enough and I'll want my ire directed accordingly.  

Lastly...what's with y'all and camping?  Is that a gene thing?  I've been camping...hell, I've done Boundary Waters 3 times.  And not once did I LOVE it.  I had fun (not as much fun as I would have had had we figured out how to bring powdered alcohol) but mostly because of my fellow campers (pretty sure all of our BW stories start with, "Remember when Tim...").  But I don't sleep well on hard rocky surfaces (actually, I'm fairly confident that I am a rock magnet...if there are any within 12 inches of my lower back they will work their way to the surface and make a nest directly on the spot surest to cause the most pain) , I don't do well without a regular shower and the local mosquitoes were able to start their own Bank of Carolyn, thanks to me.  But it seems like every guy on these sites loves to camp.  I will return to when my dad used to tell me his idea of camping was staying at a hotel that didn't have HBO.  Amen.

I'm sure if someone wanted to critique my profile, they could find a plethora of items to mock.  My faith. I wrestled with what level I wanted to express my faith, and I decided that was a non-negotiable so it should be included.  Just like those who put their religious status as agnostic/atheist, I'd rather know up front and swipe left then become involved and realize too late that I have set myself up for failure. So, I'm sure there are plenty of non-believers who aren't interested in a "bible thumper".  Different strokes.

And before everyone jumps on the "you're too picky" bandwagon, I'm not.  Really.  I wouldn't say no to going out with some of these men (not all...OH HELL TO THE NO not all).  I think the best way to put it is your profile shouldn't be a fishing net.  But neither should it be a coffee filter.

 *On reflection, I am going to say, unless you are a narcissist who has mastered the art of selfies (as most of the under 30 crowd have done), just don't do a selfie.  There's a whole angle thing that has to be perfected...too low and we're looking at your brains through your nostrils, too high and we can let you know the status of your implants, so just don't.  Have your kid (or a friend) do it.  Kids are best.  They've perfected pictures of themselves so they'll know how to get the best one of you.  Trust me.