I have some fairly humble origins. I was not born a poor black child. Neither was I born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I came into this world at a time when my family would have been considered low to middle of the road middle class.
My dad's parents lived in Staten Island. His mom was off the boat for Ireland so I have that going for me. They raised 3 children in a house that by today's standard would probably be considered section 8 but because location, location, location...that 948 sq ft house has a Zillow estimate of $648K. No, you didn't read that wrong.
My mom's family was a bit different. My grandpa died 3 months before she was born, my grandma died when she was around 2 so she and her older sister was raised by my great aunt (my grandma's sister, here-to-forth known as grandma). At one point in history, my mom's family were farmers and owned most of middle Indiana. My great-grandfather lost it gambling (there's a whole lot of back stories but that's the gist). But mom was raised in a craftsman style home in Logansport. Decent sized for the most part (2200 sq ft). She sold it in 1978 when my grandma had some health issues and moved her in with my parents. Zillow has that house at $76K now. Location, location, location. Apparently Logansport does not fall into the realm of a good one.
With the money from the sale of my grandma's house, my parents bought a house in upstate NY. Large enough for my parents, my grandma and brother to be on one floor, and my sister and I to live in a partially finished basement. LOTS of wood paneling (to be fair...it was mostly solid knotty pine). We were also within about 50 yards with community access to Lake Champlain, so that was an added bonus for resale.
Neither of my parents were college educated. My dad was in the Air Force for 28 years and earned his associates degree after he retired. Mom worked as an office manager for various industries once we were all on school full time. Because we were involved in busing in DC we ended up in private schools (FYI...we DID the busing, and it didn't work out well), so an added expense to my dad's enlisted salary. When we moved to NY, the schools were on split sessions which meant my mom had kids coming and going JUST to and from school (so not including before school/after school activities) from 5am-7pm at night and she said no. So back into private schools we went. My brother was in 5th grade, my sister 11th and I was in 8th. So that's 14 years of private school tuition.
Still, they made it work.
We didn't have fancy clothes. Mostly purchased either from Sears or Pennys or the BX (Bobby Brooks was BIG in the BX). Except the one year in catholic schools in DC. We wore uniforms. The transition to the catholic school in NY was much different because they had a dress code and most parents had the money to dress their kids expensively while meeting the dress code. Mine didn't. Hell...I remember wearing my box pleated uniform skirt to school in NY, that was the level of desperation. Still, I knew my parents were putting their income into something more tangible with paying for our education than clothes. So, I didn't complain...much.
We also didn't have "vacations". Our vacations were driving 12 hours to Indiana to see my grandma (when she was still there) or 4-6 hours to Staten Island. One year, my parents took my younger brother to Texas to visit friends and left my sister and I with my grandma in Indiana for the summer. Our last year in DC, the owners of the company my mom worked for (there were 2) each had condos in Ocean City. My dad ran a paint business on the side (side bar...while in the Air Force, in addition to painting and wallpapering, he also laid carpet) and they offered my dad a week at their condos in exchange for him painting them. So we did get 2 weeks out to Ocean City.
Those were my fairly humble beginnings. I think they left a good impression. My goal was to raise my children the same. And I failed miserably. Which I own.
Let's start with clothes. Once I discovered Gymboree with my very first child, I was a lost cause. I could dress my children similarly without being matchy-matchy and without my girls looking like prosti-tots. And I spent WAY too much money on clothes for them, mostly girls. By 2-3rd grade they figured out that most of their friends weren't dressed like...well...little girls, having their wardrobe obtained from Limited-Too/Justice, and we were off in running with the wardrobe battles. I relented with each kid a little more but when you're paying that much for a pair of jeans for a child who will out grow them in 2-3 months, you become more careful about where you're willing to put your cash. I stupidly didn't purchase second hand (unless it was off of ebay and I happened to be obsessed with a certain Gymboree line that allowed me to collect certain items in every size...yeah....I did that) which I also regret. When they got old enough to want more of a say, I tried to be more flexible but I had a couple pretty hard and strict rules. One...No verbiage written across the butt (note...I have had to stop using the word fanny having been educated to the British slang definition). If you wanna know why, read about it here. I wasn't going to buy them Uggs because 1. they are very expensive and 2. they weren't ones to treat expensive items with the respect they deserved (nothing like looking into your laundry room and seeing boots covered with salt and water stains) But I tried to accommodate by finding decent knock-offs. Yeah...from China. Yeah...they sucked (side bar 2: my daughter had a friend, while in a group of friends, examined her Fuggs, fake uggs, thoroughly and proclaim them fake. In front of everyone. THIS is what kids do these days). So the real upshot here is that, through their peers, kids learn there are brands you wear and brands you don't and where you are on the social hierarchy will depend on the brands you wear. As a parent...do you feed the beast? It's a difficult line and one I simply do not remember my parents walking. OR if they did, it was a time in history where we simply did not argue with them.
Now let's look at "entertainment". We took the kids to restaurants (the kind where table manners are imperative, bu tnot at an Emily Post level), State Fairs, Renaissance Festivals, concerts (or they went with friends), skiing, theater, games (all the pro games) and those aren't inexpensive endeavors, EVEN IF you happen to get free/cheap tickets, the parking, food, drinks (we will definitely be needing drinks) come at a much steeper price then cracking a cold one while watching a game on TV.
Then there's vacations. When the kids were young they spent LOTS of weekends at the cabin or driving down to my family in Indiana. Neither really "vacations" but events that I didn't experience. When the youngest was 3 we took our first family vacation to South Dakota. We drove and it was a long drive but it was fun. I think I planned it well. With mostly cabin set ups in various locations. 2 years later we took the kids to DC, then out to Ocean City for a few days then back to Baltimore for a baseball game (Twins!!!) it was a longer drive but still fun. Then in 2008 my ILs decided to celebrate their 50 year anniversary a year early and took the whole family (21 of us) to Mexico. That was the kids' first airplane trip. And aside from the sunburn, they did really well. In 2009 we introduced them to the Boundary Waters without "camping" by renting a cabin. You get your feet wet before you dive in. Trust me. 2010 and 2012 we took the kids to Mexico again (the other coast). As the kids got older, each trip was prefaced by...this is a gift, NOT an entitlement. Any guesses what the impact of those words were? Precisely ZERO.
So that is the back story to my post. A kind of me vs them. Because I feel like I created a monster. Or 4. As parents we are excited to have kids experience that which I may not have had the opportunity to, and be grateful for the experience, however, no matter how you frame it, it always seems to become an entitlement. Something they somehow believe they should either expect or are owed. OH, you don't hear it at the time, they are uber appreciative. But let next year roll around and the inevitable...where are you taking us this year? question comes up. And you throw a divorce in there and WHOO BOY...you've also got the guilt card, the comparison card...basically you have yourself a losing hand of bullshit cards.
Then there is college. When did it become the rigueur du jour for college students to: not be expected to share a room (either dorm or apartment)? To frequent every restaurant on campus? To NOT have to live on ramen noodles, mac-n-cheese or Totino's pizza? To live as if you had a job and weren't just spending your loan money? To get new bedroom linens each year, and expect actual linen ones? To expect a spring break vacation every year? When did this happen? Are there other parents out there looking at their kids' loans and wondering if maybe they had lived as COLLEGE STUDENTS, they wouldn't be as high. I was at Purdue for 3 years (with living expense loans for each year) and I can tell you I probably ate at 4 different places in all that time. I also spent spring break in Oak Ridge TN, training for crew at a cost of $150 for the week. All 3 years. So when did it become less about getting an education and more about the "experience" of living on your own but using your loan money to thoroughly enjoy yourself? Did I miss the memo?
I feel like there was a time when I was the parent of no and it really didn't make a difference. ESPECIALLY post divorce. One of my kids took several trips (while working...I'll give them that) while I was supplementing their income so the could pay their rent. My thoughts were if you have enough money for extra trips (which at the time I had no job and no money) then you don't need my money so I stopped. And daddy stepped in. It's lessons like these that kids need to learn and don't/can't when divorced parents are not on the same page. No one wants to be the bad guy and there is a need to weigh, are you doing more harm than good by kicking these lessons down the road? I do admit to that, but I was also, on occasion willing to don the title.
I want to be a safety net for my kids, even as the adults they are. But instead of doing the adulting job and making decisions based on what you can afford, which has never been a requirement and I think is the crux of the issue, they seem to want to continue spending without the understanding that *I* am paying your rent, utilities, phone, medical/dental, and mostly food while watching your dad pump money into you account (without seeming to look and see what you are spending money on) and then watch you jump on planes to warmer climes, or adding new skin art/piercings. Some of this will be resolved by the end of the year, when I am no longer here, but that doesn't mean I will worry less. My goal was for them to learn how to live within their means while I WAS the safety net and I've said this out loud to them repeatedly. And they're not doing it. Is this my failure or theirs?
It's both. I own my failings. They have yet to fully experience theirs and unfortunately, when they do, it's going to be painful because they are from a generation that expects immediate gratification. I'm hoping I have the testicular fortitude to do what I should have done and let them land how they will and not attempt to soften it. I've offered enough warnings of what is to come. I hope they heeded some. Welcome to adulting.
