Don't ask Why...ask What

I love our church.  For the first time in my life, I am in a church where I WANT to be there.  In fact, when I'm not there, I feel it.  Today was no different.  As I sat in church pondering this past year and my abundant blessings, I also touched that part that I WANT to keep closed off but it still comes back at odd times to haunt me.  It's the bitterness of last year.  I want to move on and most of the time I think I'm successful, but there is this tiny part of me that holds onto the hurt and I can't figure out why I can't let it go.  Which leads into today's sermon or part of today's sermon that was what I needed to hear.  Isn't that funny?  Having a problem and not really acknowledging it, but then a solution smacks you in the face, like someone throwing a glass of ice cold water at you.  It gets your attention.

So, as I sat listening to the Pastor talk about how we bring Christ's perfect peace into our lives, I considered his words: Don't ask Why...ask what.  THAT is my problem.  I want the why answered.  I can't get past NOT having the why answered.  And the pastor explained...we rarely get our whys answered.  He brought up Lisa Beamer's book "Let's Roll" and how she knew she would never find the answers to her "whys" and instead concentrated on the "whats".  What did I learn from this? What is God saying to me? What can I do to overcome? This was eye opening.

I've thought a bit about this and I wonder if the "what" isn't my own culpability.   When signs were there all along and I had a voice I would hear at various times over the past several years that whispered to me..."this is not what I want for you".  I heard that voice repeatedly and because of my own selfish needs and wants, I chose to ignore it.  So, last year was inevitable.  If I had heeded the voice, I may have escaped without the bruises I have that won't seem to fade.  So, instead of the pity party I have been indulging (albeit, less frequently) in, I should have been asking, what can I take away from this?

I think part of my "what" is that voice.  The one that can see the whole picture.  That my instinct...my little voice...it's there for a reason. When it speaks, I need to pay attention instead of being self absorbed.  

I still don't think it's going to erase the bitterness and hurt because there are daily reminders of it.  My coffee in the morning.  My black bra (don't ask). My choice of movies.  My favorite wine.   All have been inexplicably tied to my hurt and will open the flood gates unexpectedly.  But it's fading.  And one day, I'm guessing that hurt won't surface.  I'll move forward in my day without a second thought.