A Throwaway Society

I like shiny and new.  I like not being concerned with something breaking and having to fix it. (when you live in a 20 year old house, you just KNOW what's coming soon).  But I also have invested in some things that I considered a lifetime investment:  my dining room set and my bedroom set.  Over the years they've attained a few battle scars (4 kids and it's inevitable), but I still see the beauty in them.  They're solid.  They've been made to last well beyond my lifetime.  They're not really in style, but given the classic nature, they will be again.  So they're something I'll hold onto forever.

Not everything works that way, especially in today's society.  It's all about newer,  shinier, faster, prettier, younger.  That's where I am today.  I am in the process of being thrown away.   23 years of marriage and no warning, just I don't love you and  he had the "promise" of happiness elsewhere (which, to be fair, he let me know that the same happiness was "out there" for me as well).  If you read that the way I heard than then BINGO...you are correct.  Apparently "elsewhere" was living about 7 miles from our house and he has the good fortune to work with "elsewhere". . That was it.  23 years of marriage and he was done, not willing to work on our marriage, although to his credit, he did go to counseling sessions so he could check off that box (that was the assuage the guilt from the kids, because he was there only in body.  Not one effort was made which he readily admits.)


The kids?  Well, he has taken the stance that kids come from divorced families all the time and they turn out fine.  Well, except for that part about being at a higher risk of divorce themselves (can you say cyclic?  I knew you could).  Of course he says that because it makes what he's doing easier.  No repercussions.  At least not immediate ones.  And since he's not in the house (and I can't have him there) he doesn't see the daily turmoil these girls are going through and the way they are expressing their feelings, lashing out at each other.  And if he did see it, he would just write it off as...girls.  

As for me, I'm in a complete fog of emotions that include:  confusion, hurt, anger and fear round out the top 4.  Confusion that for years (apparently) he has been unhappy and never said a word.  Hurt that he is willing to put his family through all this pain, KNOWING he has no moral high ground on which to stand, but willing to do it anyhow.  Anger at him for failing to keep his commitments and for modeling behavior to our daughters, what they can expect from men, for our son, that this is what men do (there's a reason why children of divorces also divorce at a higher rate).  And Fear, that I moved away from my family so that we could raise our kids near his and now, aside from my kids I am alone.  I have been outside of the work force and just barely being back in it, making 1/3 of what he makes (and less than I did when I moved her 20 years ago), having willingly sacrificed those years to raise our children, knowing that the home I spent 20 years making will soon be gone. But I'm working with a church group to wade through this process in a Godly manner.  I've not really succeeded too well thus far but I AM working on it.

So, this has been the most gut wrenching time of my 50 plus years.  But I am counting my blessings.  I have 4 wonderful children who will see their mom model the right behavior.  They've seen me work at trying to put our marriage into a better place while their dad did nothing.  They've seen me honor my commitments made before God.  They've seen me be willing to forgive.  They've seen me show strength when I thought I had none left.  And I probably did.  But I have the Lord walking beside me and I'm sure that strength they saw came from Him.  My faith through this process has never wavered.  THAT's the behavior I want my kids to see, and hopefully my children will see that when you trust in God, He will overcome.  Anything.  Even this.