Where's that cool Dating Game music when you want it?

Way back when the divorce was in the final throes, I broke down and joined Match (followed by  Zoosk).  I'm no longer on either although my profile is.  Let's just call it a teaser. I'll throw some more money at it when someone interesting comes along.  Oh, mind you there have been interesting fella's there, but I am also realistic and when I see they're wanting kids, I'm fairly certain anyone in my age range is looking for Barbie.  Actually, I think what they are really looking for is someone in their late 30s who managed to survive motherhood and still look hot.  Yeah at 39 I did too.  At 58, not so much.  Which is why men my age date younger.  And younger women know that 15 year age gap might give them the payoff they want (oh c'mon...you know it's true).

I have a litany of stories to tell from online dating but today I'm going to talk simply about the profile.  Take your pick of platforms and away we go.

Both platforms (and I'm sure most) allow you to use a pseudonym although I think Match encourages you to use your real name (or a real-ish sounding one).  What I want to know is WHO EXACTLY told these guys when you make up you're nom d'amour, that you use and adverb and an adjective?  No seriously.  I wanna know and I want to have them flogged with a wet noodle.  Just scrolling through the notifications I found these (seriously...these are REAL pseudonyms):

• Gently Funny
• Creatively Tough
  
• Obviously Fierce
• Definitely Friendly
• Monstrously Genuine
• Positively Happy
• Creatively Handsome
  
• Casually Adventurous 
• Gently Caring

I mean...c'mon.  So if you want me to be the first to contact you I'm going to address you as...???  Quit trying to be cute.  It's not.

Next.  The pictures.  Most of my pics were taken post divorce and with my kids and I'm ok with that.  At least they're not at ridiculous angles or bathroom selfies.  FYI guys...there's a selfie feature* on your phone (unless you're still using a Fisher Price phone) that flips the camera so you do not have to take a pic in front of a bathroom mirror.  There's also an editing app that will allow you to crop out the fact that you're in the bathroom.  But my favorite is the pics themselves.  First.  Keep your freaking shirt on.  I know, I know...you're SUPER PROUD of your pecs and your guns but let me ask this...would you want to meet any woman shirtless in person?  What does that say about you?  Just keep your shirt on. We'll get there.  Maybe.  Next, and I'm sure I'll get a lot of flack over this one, but keep the fish out of the picture.  Our eyes go right to the fish, NOT to you and if that's your goal then DAMN, time for some self esteem building exercises.  And last...but most certainly NOT least (and you KNOW it's coming right?), the motorcycle.  Yeah...I know.  My ex had one in our pre-divorce timeline.  I think women/wives recognize the signs of a midlife crisis and typically say...well, it's either the motorcycle or the girlfriend (mine apparently didn't realize the very reluctant ok for the motorcycle was NOT an ok for the girlfriend too.  If I were to think about it, I was informed of both after the fact so he remained true to form).  So yeah, you have a motorcycle and you LOVE your motorcycle and it's now an extension of you.  Pro-tip...we don't need to see all your extensions right off the bat.(SWIDT? 😉)

And  the "my friends say I'm..."  Honestly?  I don't care what your friends say you are.  They could think you're a douche-canoe but they'll still sing your praises which doesn't really tell me anything does it?. YOU are the best person to describe you.   Yeah, sure you're friends are gonna paint you in a glowing light and yeah, you might do that too but I can figure it out soon enough and I'll want my ire directed accordingly.  

Lastly...what's with y'all and camping?  Is that a gene thing?  I've been camping...hell, I've done Boundary Waters 3 times.  And not once did I LOVE it.  I had fun (not as much fun as I would have had had we figured out how to bring powdered alcohol) but mostly because of my fellow campers (pretty sure all of our BW stories start with, "Remember when Tim...").  But I don't sleep well on hard rocky surfaces (actually, I'm fairly confident that I am a rock magnet...if there are any within 12 inches of my lower back they will work their way to the surface and make a nest directly on the spot surest to cause the most pain) , I don't do well without a regular shower and the local mosquitoes were able to start their own Bank of Carolyn, thanks to me.  But it seems like every guy on these sites loves to camp.  I will return to when my dad used to tell me his idea of camping was staying at a hotel that didn't have HBO.  Amen.

I'm sure if someone wanted to critique my profile, they could find a plethora of items to mock.  My faith. I wrestled with what level I wanted to express my faith, and I decided that was a non-negotiable so it should be included.  Just like those who put their religious status as agnostic/atheist, I'd rather know up front and swipe left then become involved and realize too late that I have set myself up for failure. So, I'm sure there are plenty of non-believers who aren't interested in a "bible thumper".  Different strokes.

And before everyone jumps on the "you're too picky" bandwagon, I'm not.  Really.  I wouldn't say no to going out with some of these men (not all...OH HELL TO THE NO not all).  I think the best way to put it is your profile shouldn't be a fishing net.  But neither should it be a coffee filter.

 *On reflection, I am going to say, unless you are a narcissist who has mastered the art of selfies (as most of the under 30 crowd have done), just don't do a selfie.  There's a whole angle thing that has to be perfected...too low and we're looking at your brains through your nostrils, too high and we can let you know the status of your implants, so just don't.  Have your kid (or a friend) do it.  Kids are best.  They've perfected pictures of themselves so they'll know how to get the best one of you.  Trust me.