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I love our church. For the first time in my life, I am in a church where I WANT to be there. In fact, when I'm not there, I feel it. Today was no different. As I sat in church pondering this past year and my abundant blessings, I also touched that part that I WANT to keep closed off but it still comes back at odd times to haunt me. It's the bitterness of last year. I want to move on and most of the time I think I'm successful, but there is this tiny part of me that holds onto the hurt and I can't figure out why I can't let it go. Which leads into today's sermon or part of today's sermon that was what I needed to hear. Isn't that funny? Having a problem and not really acknowledging it, but then a solution smacks you in the face, like someone throwing a glass of ice cold water at you. It gets your attention.
So, as I sat listening to the Pastor talk about how we bring Christ's perfect peace into our lives, I considered his words: Don't ask Why...ask what. THAT is my problem. I want the why answered. I can't get past NOT having the why answered. And the pastor explained...we rarely get our whys answered. He brought up Lisa Beamer's book "Let's Roll" and how she knew she would never find the answers to her "whys" and instead concentrated on the "whats".
What did I learn from this? What is God saying to me? What can I do to overcome? This was eye opening.
I've thought a bit about this and I wonder if the "what" isn't my own culpability. When signs were there all along and I had a voice I would hear at various times over the past several years that whispered to me..."this is not what I want for you". I heard that voice repeatedly and because of my own selfish needs and wants, I chose to ignore it. So, last year was inevitable. If I had heeded the voice, I may have escaped without the bruises I have that won't seem to fade. So, instead of the pity party I have been indulging (albeit, less frequently) in, I should have been asking, what can I take away from this?
I think part of my "what" is that voice. The one that can see the whole picture. That my instinct...my little voice...it's there for a reason. When it speaks, I need to pay attention instead of being self absorbed.
I still don't think it's going to erase the bitterness and hurt because there are daily reminders of it. My coffee in the morning. My black bra (don't ask). My choice of movies. My favorite wine. All have been inexplicably tied to my hurt and will open the flood gates unexpectedly. But it's fading. And one day, I'm guessing that hurt won't surface. I'll move forward in my day without a second thought.
Well, we finally did it. We bit the bullet. We pulled the trigger. We sh!t...instead of getting off the pot.
We said adieu to our 15 year old white Whirlpool kitchen appliances. It was a long run, and all things considering, we were very lucky that they made it. OH, they were limping along, bearing the scars of battle (you've never seen my husband attempt to cook), barely serviceable, but they were working. Well, all but the microwave over the range that waited until it was one month outside of its manufacturers warranty to die. And since it would have cost more to fix it than to replace it, and since we had already decided that our kitchen layout wasn't quite what we thought it would be, we figured we'd wait and redo all the appliances when we took down walls, and replaced floors and scraped the popcorn crap from the ceilings. You know...when you have the money to do all that. Which is why it was a LOOOONNNNNGGGGG 14 years.
So, no. We didn't take down walls, or reconfigure the kitchen, or scrape the popcorn crap from the ceiling. What we did was what I call "step one": new appliances. To be followed by "step two": stone counter tops. But, I'm getting ahead of my bank account...I mean myself. These steps...they're baby steps.
I know, I know...you're anxious to see what we got right? Well, wait no longer. First, we got the Queen Mother of refrigerators. It's an LG 31 cubic ft, water and ice through the door (originally, I had said no to water and ice through the door, then I caved and now I'm not sorry I did). When they installed it, my first thought was OMG it's HUGE. And in reality, it is 10 cubic feet larger than our last refrigerator. So those of you who are used to seeing our fridge stuffed to the brim...well, I'm gonna need to win the lottery to fully stock it now. Behold:
Then came the stove. Here is where I compromised. What I wanted would REQUIRE me to completely redo the kitchen (maybe someday...when the kids are gone and I have two nickles to rub together again): two ovens. Ideally built in, but one of those gigantic Wolf/Viking numbers wouldn't be scoffed at. Alas, that was not to be. So, I took the next option available to me. THREE ovens. LOL. Here is the picture of the LG range and microwave and then I'll explain:
The range is somewhat obvious. Instead of the useless drawer at the bottom, I now have a second oven. It is smaller, as is the lower oven, than a normal size oven but I think for what I need it will work admirably. I've checked to verify that my large roasting pan works in the bottom oven which is also a convection and it does. What I have now are numerous baking options available to me. So, 2 ovens, 5 burners (there is a center burner for a griddle, which has taken some getting used to but once you do it works great) and one of the 4 burners is a "superboil", which is a fancy way of saying...HOLY MUTHER OF BTUS, that thing boils water fast!
So, where, I can hear you saying, is the third oven? Well, the microwave is also a convection oven and can be used as a third oven. And the things it can do...holy crap. It can sense the amount of humidity in food and cook items on that basis. No need to plug in a time, it will figure it out. It can soften butter and ice cream. OH, it can melt it too, but if you select the "soften" button, it will JUST soften butter. I just haven't figured out how to get it to clean the bathroom but my husband assures me that if I just read the manual, it will explain all. It is also the first time in 14 years we've had a exhaust fan and a direct light over the stove. NIRVANA!
And finally the dishwasher. The salesman at Best Buy (Matthew) talked me into a Bosch instead of the LG, mostly because of the engineering on it and the drying process. If you knew what I know about the drying process in any other dishwasher you'd say what I said...EWWWWW. No logo on the front so you don't see that it's different from the other appliances and the handle has the same curve:
To say I am excited (even though I compromised what I wanted) is a massive understatement. And maybe, sometimes getting what you need helps you to see that maybe it is really all that you wanted.
And yes. I stocked up on stainless steel cleaner because, well, I have 4 children. Enuff said.
Haven't received our newsletter yet? Keep watching. I'm hoping to get them out this week. I've made the command decision NOT to include the picture and will take the $25 hit on the cards. C'est la vie, n'est pas?
But I thought I'd give a recap (notice the lack of descriptive adjective "brief") of our Christmas break. I think that with Thanksgiving falling so early this year, it offset my timeline and threw me off my game. I never really got into the TRUE holiday spirit. Except for Christmas Eve at the family service. You can't NOT get into the spirit there. Plus, you can't NOT laugh at the antics of at least ONE kid on stage who might not in fact BE the star of the show, but decides to make himself the star. Yes, there's always one.
My oldest daughter ended up having a Gingerbread House Building night with 15 friends (who apparently ALL own Uggs and my front entryway looked alike an explosion of them). We saw that they had food (walking tacos), some apps, and all the space they needed in the kitchen then left them to it. I don't get OCD about many things but this would be one I would. I would need for them to all look PERFECT. So my lack of presence was a good thing. For them.
Christmas Eve morning started out with a small amount of snow, which meant that both the boy and I were into work in the very early am. He shoveled. I worked back at the office timing in crews whose phones weren't working or switching routes to other crews. Luckily, the small amount of snow meant that we were done by noon with plenty of time to get home and get ready for the evening at the ILs.
No Christmas Eve is complete without a family picture:
I threw in the towel and let them choose their own outfits. Mommy can only pick out their clothes for so long. I do need to make one comment...HOLY HEIGHT Batman...(thanks Dad...that is YOUR doing).
The rest of the day went pretty much as it usually does. Tom and Jerry's (recipe here) , food, church, food, more Tom and Jerry's, kids opening gifts, adult White Elephant, clean up and home. I think we were home by 11. The White Elephant went well IMNSHO. This was the boy's first time in and he bought his own gift to give. I think he learned a lesson on that one. All in all the gifts were pretty interesting but in the end, we ended up with: a box of hot pepper sauces, a cutco fisherman's solution, and a Louis Vitton purse (it's MINE and *I'M* going with it's real even though my BIL DID just return from China).
As for the rest...
Cookies...I only made two varieties this year: a new one for me, almond raspberry thumbprint (which were DELICIOUS) and chocolate crinkles. Oh, and peppermint bark. I ended up throwing more than half of the chocolate crinkles away, a few of the thumbprint and a bit of the bark. For which I am glad I didn't invest MORE time in baking, but sad that so much went to waste.
Gifts...still in dial'er back mode on the presents and I think everyone was happy with what they received. Thank heaven for pinterest as my oldest daughter pins EVERYTHING she likes. I needed only look there to put together similar style outfits then repeated the same type for my middle daughter. A few things didn't work but on the whole it all worked out well. Even brought the husband into the 21st century with his Rock & Republic jeans, although I doubt he'll ever bid his Levi's adieu completely. The boy had a fairly short list and was easy. Beanie was also easy. I was treated to a new point and shoot camera as my other one never survived its Caribbean dunking.
Dinner...we had a full house (both friends and family) for dinner and that was good because eating a 16 lb Prime Rib isn't something one wants to attempt on their own. It was my "standard", Prime Rib, the Gravy®*,
mashed yukon golds, drunken mushrooms, roasted asparagus and , of course, popovers. My SIL brought a wonderful salad as well. Dessert was Crème Brûlée made by none other than the HUSBAND. Yes. I'll give you a minute to pick yourself up off the floor. As I was called into work that morning and would normally have made it then, it fell to him to make it. And really, it's not THAT difficult. If you have vanilla beans on hand (we didn't) and know how to temper eggs (he doesn't). Even so, I give the man major kudos as he did it (albeit with a phone call to me about every 93 seconds) and it was DELICIOUS! And yes, we remembered to take them from the oven before heading to the ILs. You only do that once.
For New Years, we went another route. We attempted a progressive with two other families. Our house was the main course. At the first house we had an Autumn Chopped Salad, Avocado and Goat Cheese with Lime on Toast and Marinated Shrimp and Artichoke Hearts. Main course was Coffee Marinated Pork Tenderloin, Oven Roasted Fingerling Potatoes, and Green Beans with Bacon in a Soy Garlic Sauce. Final stop was for dessert which included Chocolate Martinis (that was for the chicks) and Bananas Foster with Homemade Vanilla Ice-Cream. We had SO.MUCH.FUN. The time seemed to fly by and before I knew it, it was 2am. An awesome evening spent with wonderful friends.
So, my tree is down and most of my Christmas stuff is packed away. The card wreath (that daily reminder of my first failure in 20 years to get out Christmas cards) is still up, even though we have already chosen the card we will be framing this year. A few ornaments still hang from my dining room chandelier. They get replaced with Valentine's Day ornaments and I'm just not ready to be there yet.
My resolution for this New Year it to attack our laundry room and get the buckets of overflowing clothes that the kids have outgrown GONE. And to clean out the closets. And cabinets. And if I get around to doing all this that means that I'll have less time for blogging. Yes, this is quite the conundrum.
Whatever shall I do?
* Yes, the gravy is officially trademarked. "The Gravy®". It has earned the right.
From the time that our fourth child arrived, and college tuitions continued to rise at a rate that far exceeded our capabilities, we have explained to our children that, while we believe in the value of a college education, it would be their responsibility. We would help but the bulk of the burden would be on them.
Our reasoning for this was two fold. First, with four children, we simply cannot afford a half a million dollars in college tuition. It just isn't possible. Second, they NEED to be an active participant financially, a dog in the fight so to speak, for them to fully appreciate what they are receiving. We truly believe that by doing so they will value the experience more and be less willing to waste their time AND money.
In an attempt to help them, mostly through scholarships, we tried to steer our kids in directions that would help them achieve this goal. Joining clubs, taking on leadership roles, volunteering, community activity in addition to the sports (we asked that they do at least one) would be a good place to start. Working after school, on weekends and during the summer we also saw not just as a monetary benefit, but as character building. Look for opportunities everywhere and anywhere and use them to shine.
This we preached. For many years. And as our oldest approached college age, we found that we didn't make the impact we had hoped. We had the money to help with is first semester tuition and finally got through to him that we simply couldn't so much more. So, the boy took matters into his own hand.
Today, we took the day and drove up to Fargo to empty out his dorm room. He withdrew from his spring semester classes. We then drove over to North Dakota's 119th AirWing Squadron where my 18 year old son enlisted in the Air National Guard.*
He is officially a member of the armed forces. This was not a quick decision nor was it painless, I mean paperless. He spent a lot of time during fall semester talking with the recruiter, learning of his options, his commitment, and ultimately, he decided that this was a perfect option for him.
So, he is taking the spring semester off. He will head down to Lackland AFB in late March for 8 1/2 weeks of basic training. From San Antonio, he will head to Ft Lee, Virginia where he will attend tech school for Air Transportation Specialist for 6 weeks. Then, back to Minneapolis where he will undergo 30 days OTJ training. By my calculations, he will be done and ready to return to NDSU in August with several semesters tuition in hand, the benefits of the GI and Marshall Bill, and hopefully a new purpose: to serve his country with integrity and to finish his college education in the process.
His commitment will be for 6 years of once monthly weekend duty and a yearly 2 week commitment with 2 years of inactive duty after 6 years. OR he can remain in the reserves and complete 20 years towards a reserve retirement. During his school year, for each grade above a "c" he receives, he will be reimbursed. Round and round and round in my mind I went looking for the catch but could only see this as a win-win. He will graduate with an engineering degree and 4 years military experience with 2 years of active reserve on his commitment. Now, I'm not a recruiter, but I have to imagine that if I was looking at two college resumes and one had 4 years of military experience WITH that degree, again, that's a no brainer.
I know there are parents would be disappointed that their child would interrupt their college experience for military service. Not me. I can't seem to keep the buttons from busting from my jacket. Yes, that is actually a state of pride. I looked it up.
And the squadron he is attached to, well...it is SO fitting:
My son...you have chosen wisely.
*
No comment on the hair cut allowed. He knows it goes at basic and has decided to be a "bitter clinger" for the next 2 months.
With apologies to Nina Simone.
Well, I did it again. I said I'd be back then I took a hiatus. Again. But if you got my newsletter, you'll see that I actually put in my newsletter my resolution to keep my blog more active. And if you didn't get my newsletter, NO, you're not off my list, they're still on the computer, waiting to be folded and envelopes addressed and stuffed in with cards that NONE of the kids liked (OK, I'm with them...it's a HORRIBLE card. Well, except for the hat. Seriously. The hat MAKES it.) so hang tight, you will.
I'm not sure why exactly I'm having problems keeping the blog going but I AM going to explore that more deeply in another post. I think the short answer is Facebook. Yup. I'm gonna blame Facebook. Because Facebook makes it EASY. I can put out there a one line status and get IMMEDIATE feedback. And that's nice.
I have 13 followers (yes, I'll give you a minute to pick yourself up from the floor) on my blog. YES. That many (and oddly enough, not one is a family member and I'm not sure exactly how to take that). Of those 13, 11 are different people (two people follow me twice which I happen to LOVE that someone likes me enough to follow me twice). I also have 322 posts with 24923 page views. Now I'm gonna get all "mathematical". I've set up my page such that *I* don't get counted as a page view, but I only did that recently. So, I'm going to say that I have gone back and looked at each post (and maybe corrected it), 5 times. So, take 1610 page views away and you get 23313 divided by 322 posts is 72 page view per post divided by the 11 (actual) viewers is on average about 6 views per post per person. You guys ROCK!.
I know, that's not how it works, but I'm going with it because it makes me feel better about stopping and putting a piece of my life, my opinion, my thoughts, my frustration et al out there for your entertainment. And hopefully it IS entertaining (you're coming back and re-reading FIVE times so I gotta think it has some redeeming value).
I then link the post to Facebook and get your reactions in Facebook postings. {insert strongly voiced opinion that falls slightly short of a rant} I think those of you who "know" me, know that I was dragged into Facebook kicking and screaming. I SO did not want to do it but there were circumstances that made it a priority. And I had to lay some ground rules down for myself. NO GAMES. So if you have invited me to join/play games (and initially there were LOTS of invites), well, you've immediately been blocked (just the game stuff). I know myself too well. And this is where the onset of my love/hate relationship with Facebook begins but it's grown since I joined. I LOVE that it allows me to reach a larger audience and since I have (shamefully) constant access to Facebook (via phone) I can see those reactions immediately. What I hate is that the reactions/responses aren't in anyway linked to the blog so I have to be logged into Facebook to see them*. I guess ultimately, Facebook gets to take and store reactions to something that is not really part of Facebook. And THAT bugs me.
Bugs me (yes, I said it twice for emphasis). But I won't let it get the better of me. I hope I can figure out a way to link those reactions to my blog because someday, I want to print the whole blog out and give it to my kids. I'm going to call it "Mom's Guide to Parenting" with heavy acknowledgement to the alcohol industry for their assistance in helping me retain a modicum of my sanity.
And then, when my kids say to me, "why can't I have nice things?" or "I feel like I'm nothing but a bank to my kids", or "how EXACTLY do you make that scrumptious Prime Rib?", I can point them to "Mom's Guide of Parenting". They won't always get the answer they want, or even need, but they'll understand Karma a little bit better.
Stay tuned folks. I'll be back soon. Still feeling fine.
*yeah...I edited that. After reading it several times even I didn't understand what I was trying to say. I blame Facebook for that.
One of my more frequent sayings in my house is "THIS is why I can't have nice things". My kids'll confirm this. And that statement is usually directed at them. Because they carelessly throw stuff around the house, breaking items or putting marks on walls and the like. Because they don't typically think before they start on a project, like painting their fingernails...on my solid cherry dining room table and spilling the remover and not telling me until I go to remove the table cloth only to find, well, let me just say it wasn't a pretty formal cherry dining room table anymore. They're old enough now that they SHOULD think through the consequences (or POSSIBLE ONES) of their actions and take all precautions to ensure the consequences don't happen (and most assuredly, not to my stuff).
It was I, however, that recently added to my collection of "no longer nice things" by setting a dish from the microwave on my fairly new table. And the result of my bonehead move? A table with a scorched finish:
Nice huh? THIS is why I can't have nice things. So today, I decided to flip the table around so that you wouldn't see the scorched varnish right off the bat and I had to move my computer to do so. And I said to myself I said..."Self...maybe you can google it and see if there is some kind of fix out there on the interwebs". So I did. Specifically, I googled "how to remove milk white varnish stain from wood". I figured might as well be as specific as I can, right? And lo and behold the FIRST website to pop up was titled "DIY: How to remove white heat stains from wood table" Feel free to check out the link. I was a tad skeptical that one would remove heat stains with HEAT, but I figured I had nothing to lose and since there was an additional white stain, but much smaller, I'd do a test run with that and see if it worked.
5 minutes later, voila:
This does not make me a be all know all about removing stains from wood. I'm sure that such an operation CAN be more damaging than the original stain, as stated on the DIY website, but this was a risk that paid off for me. Is it perfect? No. The table isn't perfect either, mostly because of my kids.
Which is why I can't have nice things. ;-)
My kids are constantly lamenting my propensity for "creeping". That's what kids call it. I call it tactful surveillance from a distance.
I ABSOLUTELY want to know what my kids are doing with whom and where and sometimes, clicking around the internet at sites they frequent gives me just enough information to either allay my concerns, or to throw up a red flag for further investigation. And honestly, I can't recall any red flags. It also gives me the opportunity to catch a glimpse of subtle things they've said in conversations that have no frame of reference.
This type of surveillance usually comes from facebook, but instagram and pinterest are also good sites for disseminating information.
I just need to remember...Karma. And I see her in action frequently. MORE frequently since the advent of "cookies". If you don't know what "cookies" are (besides those little morsels of goodness that are hard to resist and usually take up residence on your thighs, and you can find melt in your mouth versions here and here and here oh, and here and here. See, no need for a cook book), the simplist version of explaining it is they are a text file that is set on your computer by a website. So, let's say you were looking for new appliances online (just SAYIN'...not BUYIN'...yet). And you went to several different websites. Well, that information would be stored on your computer by the websites. Now...no big deal right? This should be something "invisible" to you, right? But did you ever notice how you'll be online and notice that ads come up that COINCIDENTALLY relate to what you have recently looked at.
THAT is thanks to cookies. I, however, call it creeping. Because it is very similar to what I do with my kids. It is someone else looking at what interests me, but taking it a step further and letting me know (it may be subtle for some) that they KNOW what I'm looking at. Now, this can also be a good tool when tracking what kids are doing (although, I suspect that many are smart enough to delete their cookies so that they aren't as easily tracked, either by you or websites), but I find it a tad unnerving to be reading updates on facebook and see ads for the last 3 sites I have previously visited come up in the advertising bars of facebook. I should delete the temporary cookies but on occasion I DO stumble upon a site that I don't immediately bookmark and want to get back to it and it IS a reminder.
Still, it IS creepy who's watching you. Or it should be.
