A Flight to Remember

I know, it has been a while but, life happens.  This, however, is too good of a story NOT to share.  I will do my best not to embellish but I don't make any promises.

So, for those of you who have removed yourself from Carolyn's universe, or, you know, just don't follow me religiously (and I gotta ask, why not?), well sit back and enjoy...A flight to remember (at least *I* will).

My oldest daughter is getting married in Ireland (not really pertinent to the post, but I'm going to be in Ireland for it in September so good that you know in advance...or that you make everything important to me important to you.  Either is fine with me.) and I am in Minnesota for her shower.  But it is HOW I got to Minnesota that's the story.

For those of you THAT far out of the loop, I am currently residing in Washington state and to see my girls I'm flying to Minnesota at least a couple times a year.  For wedding activities, like wedding dress shopping, or bridal showers.  Or occasional Billy Joel concerts.  So yesterday I flew back to Minnesota  for her bridal shower and, well it was an experience I'm not caring to experience again anytime soon.  Or ever.

The flight had 2 legs.  Short from Bellingham to Seattle, long from Seattle to Minneapolis.  On the first leg as we were hurdling down the runway on take off, right before the wheels left the ground, I heard this ...crunching sound.  Then we were air born.  When we didn't turn around I figured it was fine.  25 minutes later we get the announcement that we are approaching Seattle.  What came next was really weird.  In a window seat, I swear I kept seeing the same "landmarks" as if we maybe were circling.  Now I've done that before when like a certain ex-president was leaving his golf game in FL and all civilian airplanes were put in standby mode for landing until he cleared airspace.  Then came the voice you dread..."this is your captain speaking.We seem to have a problem with our landing gear (DID I CALL IT OR WHAT?).  We can't get confirmation that our landing gear is down so we are going to do a fly by the tower to verify that it is down." I fired out a quick text to my kids that our landing gear had issues and if they don't hear from me within the hour to please check the status of my flight.   So we do yet another circle followed by a Top Gun style buzz  of the tower maneuver then ascended again.  My gut was nope...gear isn't down.  But the captain comes in and says it is down, but not sure if it's locked.  But, they're gonna cross their fingers and give'er a go.  In between circles the flight attendant had us already opening our safety card...in the event of a crash we will need you go get in the brace position.  Luckily there were several options.  So I choose one best suited to my height and the neck pillow I was holding (UM...yeah, I'm gonna protect what ever I can), listen to the attendant say "brace...brace...brace" every 10 seconds,  all the while alternating between prayers were thoughts of...do the kids know where my documents are? All of my retirement accounts? Will someone be able to contact my sister somewhere in the Bering Sea (I think)?, you know...all the questions that flood your mind when the very real possibility of 10 minutes from now, might not exist, until we heard the wheels hit the ground....and not collapse.  No sound of metal grinding on tarmac. When you realize you've been holding your breath for the past 10 minutes and you let it out with a giant sigh.  You're on the ground.  And a battalion of fire engines are following you down the runway.

The landing gear, obviously held.  However somewhere along the line SOME cable was cut which meant the hydraulics were out and the pilot was unable to steer the plane.  So we needed to wait for a tow back to the terminal.  But first the fire department had to assess the situation and ensure  there isn't a risk to the terminal.  Once that was done, and got into our gate and deplaned so many people had to bolt to get to their connection.  Luckily, I had a decent layover (never thought I'd be grateful for having 4 hours between flights to kill) and intended on finding a bar.  Yeah...I deserved it.

So, down to 2 hours to pass, I grab a beer (it was a big one...no judgement), 

and a wrap and cut the time own to an hour before boarding my next flight thinking positively right?  I mean, after that, I should be safe as a kitten on my next flight right?  Lightening striking twice right?  So, I head to my gate and wait for the last hour until I hear the  announcement over the intercom that my flight...well maintenance has found an issue they are dealing with and they will let us know when it is resolved.  An hour later the same voice let us know that they were still working on switching out the light bulb (not sure exactly HOW many people it takes to change a light bulb but it appears to be more than one.) but hang tight.  We'll board soon.  Then, an hour after we were supposed to board, they said that the bulb was in a small space and difficult to get to but be patient.  THEN, came the announcement that one of the pilots had timed out but they had another pilot at the airport.  They just were waiting to find out how long before he could get to the gate. So my 7pm flight didn't start boarding until 830.  So my midnight arrival was now 130am, which after I got my bag and to my daughter's apt it was 2am.  

But I'm alive.  Never thought I'd say those words un-ironically. 

Hiatases Come and Hiatases Go

Does it count if it was an unintentional hiatus?  

It's been a busy 6 months.  I'll recap.

In May, my son got married. And because nothing in my life is ever easy, I contracted COVID the week of the wedding.  The wedding where I was making the wedding cake. Then transporting it 200 miles away to the wedding location and decorating it and 6 dozen cupcakes.  For me, it was a slightly worse than a cold, not as bad as the flu.  2 nights of body aches and a follow up sore throat.  I volunteered not to attend the wedding but that wasn't an option for my son.  So I wore an N95 mask for the ceremony and took it off when around people who didn't care.  No one got it.  There was more drama involved but suffice to say, we all survived.

I tried to sell my house.  Initially on my own, then I got a realtor.  I had tried to time it such that I could be out by September, and since the market in the spring was still pretty hot, I waited until jut after the wedding to list it.  Which coincided with interest rates taking a big jump.  With all the work and improvements I had put into the house, I had it priced such that I wasn't losing any  money...but neither was I making money.  Still, it didn't sell.  So I contracted with a property  management company to mange it as a rental.

Well...THAT was a 9.9 on the clusterfu@k scale.  I won't get into all of the things that the company did (except...maybe...turning the switch on my furnace off in order to be able to call a repair service in which I'm fairly certain they get a kickback AND they charge me an additional 18% of the service fee so that THEY can supervise).  I do have a renter in the house now who is thrilled with the house and will treat it as her own.  I've requested a release from the contract with the property management company and am forging onward.

I put everything I have of value to me into a 5x10 storage, sold everything else and I drove halfway across the country pulling a small U-haul trailer and a pitbull as my co-pilot.  It was challenging only in as much as I couldn't leave him anywhere(not the car for fear he would tear it up...not the hotels, didn't want him  barking).  I did remember my dad had a friend in Idaho who I called and met on the way, which was lovely.

I got to Washington state and was able to experience a completely out of the norm fall where there was very little rain in Oct (to be fair there had been very little rain all summer) and lots of sun.  I arrived Oct 1, the day that Canada opened the border to the non-vaccinated so what I had written off as not going to be able to do while here, has not become an option.

 I just got back from a week in South Carolina, having spent Thanksgiving with my son and daughter-in-law and I fell in love with South Carolina. I even got to spend 24 hours on the beach (which ALWAYS brings me inner peace) and came back with a titch of color.   It was a strange feeling though being a guest in your child's house.Not bad...just strange.

My sister and her husband leave 3 weeks from Monday for an around the world cruise, which is why I am here, house/pet watching while they traipse the globe for the next 6 months.  I'm not sure how you top that on the vacation scale though.

The day after they leave my two youngest will join me here for Christmas.  It will be almost 3 months since I've seen them and it appears they are doing just fine without me, which I am going to put in my win column.  I have so much planned I'm not sure how I will fit it all in in 6 days.  Watch me.

Thinking Out Loud aka...LOTS of Random but Linkable Thoughts

We are living in interesting times. I'm trying really hard not to panic but I feel like I'm failing.  And when I attempt to verbalize my fears, I'm thought to be crazy, but not in a good way.

So, I'm going to think this out loud and ask for thoughts and direction to where my thinking has come to the wrong conclusion.  Feel free to comment.  But also, bookmark this page.

We are in a time where gas prices are higher that EVER.  Highest it was ever was $3.50 during GWB's administration. As of now, we are at $5/gal where I am. Eggs have more than doubled in price from 2 years ago. Don't even get me started on beef.  Pretty much everything costs more.

Now, as I understand it we have 2 situations that are related but aren't yet apparent, but will be.  One...farming fertilizer, with the main ingredient of urea/ammonia, comes from Russia (and China and the number 1 and 2 exporters). Know what else has urea/ammonia as a prime ingredient?  DEF, which is injected into the exhaust stream of diesel engines and is required for all medium to  heavy-duty vehicles to reduce engine emissions.

Are you putting 2 and 2 together?  So farmers who can't get fertilizer for their crops ALSO can't get DEF that is required for the equipment they operate in order to...well, feed the country. Let's look at what the impact of this can/could be.  First, imagine the harvest this fall, IF there is a harvest. Let's take a somewhat fatalistic (devils advocate) look at this.  No food to be harvested.  No food goes to processing plants.  No food on the shelves. So if you work at the processing plant, or are involved with moving food through the supply chain process, you no longer have a job.  Then, look at the stores who receive the product.  Nothing to stock, no workers required.  You have a restaurant? How do you obtain products to sell?  No food, no workers.  This is going to have GIANT ripple effects throughout all walks of life. Maybe it won't be this bad, or maybe it will.

Then...let's add into the equation 98 (as of June 11/2022) food processing plants that have experienced fires (large enough to be news worthy) OR had (massive quantities of) animals put down/die since January of 2021.  It's so coincidental, it would be considered crazy to put all this together. 

Now, let me switch gears.  Everyone has seen real estate skyrocket.  In so many places you simply cannot find something to buy.  I know there are several reasons for that. 1. mortgage interest rates have started the climb.  Real estate itself has appreciated 6%/year for the last 2 years, so people think their house is worth more.  Reality:  Your house is worth only as much as someone is willing to pay, which I am learning.  With so many young adults looking to buy, and being unable to find anything, one has to resort to what they end up doing.  Renting.  Owning nothing.

So, on the heels of a world wide pandemic, rising real estate coupled with interest rates, gas prices and what is looking like an economic collapse and now the talk (no longer a whisper) of food shortages, I simply can't shake the feeling that all of this is by design. 

The WEF has an agenda.  An it is not just this country but it is to a world they wish to control.  Read that again.  THEY WILL CONTROL.  From THEIR website (and so you know WEF is WORLD economic forum..they're including the US in their plans):

 This  is another video, not really on the same topic but it does relate to how people will live  and speaks to equity vs equality.  @COTR introduced me to it and it leaves an impression.  Kurt Vonnegut short story of Harrison Bergeron  was adapted to film in 2081 and gives an idea of what happens when you stifle excellence in the name of making people "equal".

(listen to the audio version of the reading of the book for more clarity)

I'm too old to be an idealist.  I've seen where it leads. And while I don't/can't hide my pessimist tendencies, I STILL want the world to be a better place.  But not like that.  Not where someone else controls every aspects of my life even to the point where they control my emotions or making everyone equal in all ways.  "I will be happy"?   They think they know what is going to make me happy?  And what if it doesn't?  What is my recourse?  Well, nothing.  Because it's all for the greater good. 

AH....but do you really think that those controlling the world will be living the same as you and I?  If you do then I have a slightly used bridge in Brooklyn I can sell to you REALLY cheap.  The EU  has already given an exemption of the EU green aviation tax of the to "executive jets" .  Rules for thee SUCKAS.  You simply need to educate yourself on the agenda that they have put out there.  AND who is in control (I suggest starting with "Conspirators Hierarchy" by John Coleman). Remember, it's only a conspiracy theory until it actually happens.  Then it becomes a piece of history where people will Monday morning quarterback and say..."how could they not see all the signs that this was happening?"

Now, I'm going to switch gears again and talk politics.  I am beholden to no political party but my values lie more on the right (conservative) than the left.  I think (95%) people have the ability to lift themselves up if they really want to but there's nothing wrong with a little help getting there. But it shouldn't be a way of life.   I also think personal responsibility  is completely lacking in today's society. I am convinced our whole political system (D and R) is corrupt from top to bottom.  Politicians should NOT be getting rich while the citizens pay their salaries.  They should not be making political decisions over which companies will succeed or fail and THEN making money off the succeeding ones.  That is a MAJOR conflict of interest.  You want to go into public service?  Awesome.  You will not be allowed to enter any business or stock dealings while you serve, nor can any member of your family. All stocks you have leading up to your service are put in a type of escrow account or you dump them before entering office.  This means you are not working the system for your financial gain while putting other business at risk. That ensures that your goal is the people you serve, not your financial best interests. And yet...that's not how it happens.  WE pay their salaries and THEY work for the people. You would never know that in the current political atmosphere.

Add to that our ill-informed electorate.  If I were to hazard a guess I'd say 70% of people do not understand their basic rights.  That the Bill of Rights does not convey the rights government gives to us.  Our rights are innate.  We are born with them and as such  the Bill of Rights does NOT define what we can do, but what our government CAN'T do.  It is a negative rights document.  That means that if it is not specifically spelled out what our federal government CAN'T do, then it is for the states to decide.  That my friends is spelled out in the 10th Amendment.  I don't think the majority of the electorate can tell you what the 3 branches of government are and what purpose they serve.  For example...it is NOT the job of the Supreme Court to codify anything into law.   It is to strictly interpret the law.  The responsibility to codify is with the legislative branch and left to Congress.  But we currently have a government that spends their time on optics instead of doing the job of the American people and an American people getting their history from social media.  And I'll bet you a million dollars most people still so not understand that the US is NOT a democracy.   It is a Constitutional Republic. A Republic differs from a Democracy. A Republic exists only when the system [framework] of government holds both the people AND THEIR RULERS subject to law. It is a government of laws and not of men. Man becomes free when he recognizes that he is subject to law. "Democracy" does not appear anywhere in either the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution or in ANY of the 50 states' Constitutions.  For a reason.  The fathers knew what they were doing.

What makes be so disheartened is that we are at that place where our civilization as we know it is going to fall.  We have already hit the 240 year mark of the downfall of all great civilizations   and you can see it.  I'll illustrate two ways.  I found this and thought it was a good representation of how civilizations tend to progress:

• Bondage to spiritual faith
• Spiritual faith to feeling embolden
• Embolden to liberty
• Liberty to abundance
• Abundance to selfishness
• Selfishness to complacent
• Complacent to apathy
• Apathy to dependency
• Dependency back to bondage again

Or another way which has been widely distributed lately is the Camels on the Horizon (note, I am NOT getting my history from here but using social media to illustrate):

Where am I going with all of this?  Not sure.  For me, it's like being on a train and watching it wreck in slow motion.  You saw what led up to it, you can see it happening in real time and you have absolutely no way of stopping it.  You're afraid to look but you're also afraid not to look. So I'm bracing myself and doing what I can to minimize that impact as much as I am able.  Rubberneckers won't know what hit them.

Just Do It

I spent most of my marriage putting other people first.  And I don't really regret it.  When my life is REALLY over I will be able to look back and say, I did the right thing.  Even if it meant that I suffered, or did without.  I think that is really what love is about.  Not being the focus of everything being about you.

Now, however, I am in a different place.  So I'm gonna tell a story.

I was a Tetracycline child...having been given it as a child with a high fever and it led to my front tooth being pretty discolored.  I didn't smile with my teeth until I was in around 8th grade and my mom found a dentist to do this "paint" thing to the tooth.  It was painted with something and then hit with an ultraviolet light and voila.  The tooth was no longer discolored (as bad...this would have been the 70s so keep that in mind).  Later, the same tooth was crowned, which made the tooth better, but the crown apparently irritated the gum around it to the point where I had a gingivectomy and I think the dentist went pretty ham with the cutting away of gum.  Over the years I continued to have issues with that area.  Always a little too pink and swollen, no matter what I did.

Then, one NYE morning, I was getting ready for work (Gymboree) and I pulled out a new pair of socks still wrapped in plastic and I did what I always do:  I used my teeth to start the tear in the plastic/paper.  When it didn't tear I looked at it and lo and behold my tooth was tucked under the paper.  Before majorly panicking, I checked to see if the crown had come off of the stub.  No, it hadn't.  It snapped off leaving a very small piece of visible tooth at the gum line.  NOW I panicked.   I managed to get into the dentist who attempted to cement it back in place (remember, this is Dec 31), which lasted all of maybe an hour before it fell off.  So, I spent NYE front toothless (which we spent at a hotel with family), not really in the mood to socialize.  Go figure

When I got back into the dentist I had a decision to make.  Do I get a partial plate, a bridge (and destroy two perfectly good teeth in the process) or an implant.  The partial wasn't really an option.  The bridge was the cost of 3 crowns and the implant was one, takes longer and is more expensive.  I went with door number 3.

So.  First step.  Make a flipper (a temporary partial).  Next step, pull the existing root.  Once that was done I had to wait about 4 months for the hole to heal and for the bone to start filling in the empty space.  Then the implant was installed.  So, that is usually a metal screw only, but in my case they put the metal screw in with the abutment (that is the piece that screws into the screw think of the implant as like a metal molly bolt)  with the crown attached. Normally this is a two step process.  They put in the implant, let the gum heal and the bone attach to the implant, then the abutment, which means cutting the gums and allowing the gum to  heal around the abutment, but in my case they put the implant and abutment in together.  I still had to heal for another 4 months before getting the crown.

When you live without a permanent front tooth, getting ANYTHING into place is a relief.  And like most things I do, I accepted substandard because I didn't want to make waves.  The crown was installed but I was never really happy with it.  It was sorta close to my natural tooth color but still a bit off.  The shape never felt right...much bulkier than my other teeth but again, I accepted it because I didn't know better.

As the years went on , I had my teeth professionally whitened a couple times and it never seemed to help with the comparison against the crown.  I mean my teeth looked positively gray in comparison, and yet I know they aren't. These past maybe 7-8 years it has become more and more readily apparent.  Then I switched dentists and I asked her what can we do.  I REALLY don't want to destroy my other front tooth to make them closer in color by crowning it too.  She said...let's redo the old crown.

So, it has been about 8 weeks since I started the process and I'm still not done BUT, HOLY CRAP...the difference.  I have spent a lot of time at the lab trying to get the color right.  And for once I have someone ELSE looking out for my best interests.  Saying, nope that's not good enough.  We want this right, which is so completely foreign to me. And that's not just the lab but my dentist as well.  Her take is if we do this, we do it right.  I currently have crown #2 which is made from zirconium temporary glued in place, mostly because I had my son's wedding and wanted to be sure I actually HAD a tooth for the wedding.  They wanted me to take it for a test run and see what I thought.

The problem is that they can't get the opacity of the crown because of the placement of the existing abutment which is too close to the surface of the tooth.  So no matter how they color the tooth, it will always be too bright to hide the abutment and that brightness against my other teeth makes them look bad.  "Comparison is the thief of Joy".  I'm looking at the artwork my daughter did and it fits.

So, I am going back in to have crown #3 made with a new abutment that will be better placed within the implant allowing for greater opacity of the crown.  The lab that does the color has a sign on the wall saying the best restoration is the one you can't tell is a restoration.

And I don't have to settle anymore.

*UPDATE*  yeah, that abutment was going to cost me another $1200 in which insurance won't cover.  So we're stepping up the bleach hoping to bring the others to the same brightness.  Sigh...

 

Humble Beginnings

 I have some fairly humble origins.  I was not born a poor black child.  Neither was I born with a silver spoon in my mouth.  I came into this world at a time when my family would have been considered low to middle of the road middle class.

My dad's parents lived in Staten Island.  His mom was off the boat for Ireland so I have that going for me. They raised 3 children in a house that by today's standard would probably be considered section 8 but because location, location, location...that 948 sq ft house has a Zillow estimate of $648K.  No, you didn't read that wrong.

My mom's family was a bit different.  My grandpa died 3 months before she was born, my grandma died when she was around 2 so she and her older sister was raised by my great aunt (my grandma's sister, here-to-forth known as grandma).  At one point in history, my mom's family were farmers and owned most of middle Indiana.  My great-grandfather lost it gambling (there's a whole lot of back stories but that's the gist).  But mom was raised in a craftsman style home in Logansport.  Decent sized for the most part (2200 sq ft).  She sold it in 1978 when my grandma had some health issues and moved her in with my parents.  Zillow has that house at $76K now.   Location, location, location.  Apparently Logansport does not fall into the realm of a good one.

With the money from the sale of my grandma's house, my parents bought a house in upstate NY.  Large enough for my parents, my grandma and brother to be on one floor, and my sister and I to live in a partially finished basement. LOTS of wood paneling (to be fair...it was mostly solid knotty pine). We were also within about 50 yards with community access to Lake Champlain, so that was an added bonus for resale.

Neither of my parents were college educated. My dad was in the Air Force for 28 years and earned his associates degree after he retired.  Mom worked as an office manager for various industries once we were all on school full time.  Because we were involved in busing in DC we ended up in private schools (FYI...we DID the busing, and it didn't work out well), so an added expense to my dad's enlisted salary.  When we moved to NY, the schools were on split sessions which meant my mom had kids coming and going JUST to and from school (so not including before school/after school activities) from 5am-7pm at night and she said no.  So back into private schools we went.  My brother was in 5th grade, my sister 11th and I was in 8th.  So that's 14 years of private school tuition.

Still, they made it work.

We didn't have fancy clothes.  Mostly purchased either from Sears or Pennys or the BX (Bobby Brooks was BIG in the BX). Except the one year in catholic schools in DC.  We wore uniforms.  The transition to the catholic school in NY was much different because they had a dress code and most parents had the money to dress their kids expensively while meeting the dress code.  Mine didn't.  Hell...I remember wearing my box pleated uniform skirt to school in NY, that was the level of desperation.  Still, I knew my parents were putting their income into something more tangible with paying for our education than clothes.  So, I didn't complain...much.

We also didn't have "vacations".  Our vacations were driving 12 hours to Indiana to see my grandma (when she was still there) or 4-6 hours to Staten Island.  One year, my parents took my younger brother to Texas to visit friends and left my sister and I with my grandma in Indiana for the summer.  Our last year in DC, the owners of the company my mom worked for  (there were 2) each had condos in Ocean City.  My dad ran a paint business on the side (side bar...while in the Air Force, in addition to painting and wallpapering, he also laid carpet) and they offered my dad a week at their condos in exchange for him painting them.  So we did get 2 weeks out to Ocean City.

Those were my fairly humble beginnings.  I think they left a good impression.  My goal was to raise my children the same.  And I failed miserably.  Which I own.

Let's start with clothes.  Once I discovered Gymboree with  my very first child, I was a lost cause.  I could dress my children similarly without being matchy-matchy and without my girls looking like prosti-tots.  And I spent WAY too much money on clothes for them, mostly girls.  By 2-3rd grade they figured out that most of their friends weren't dressed like...well...little girls, having their wardrobe obtained from Limited-Too/Justice, and we were off in running with the wardrobe battles.  I relented with each kid a little more but when you're paying that much for a pair of jeans for a child who will out grow them in 2-3 months, you become more careful about where you're willing to put your cash.  I stupidly didn't purchase second hand (unless it was off of ebay and I happened to be obsessed with a certain Gymboree line that allowed me to collect certain items in every size...yeah....I did that) which I also regret.  When they got old enough to want more of a say, I tried to be more flexible but I had a couple pretty hard and strict rules.  One...No verbiage written across the butt (note...I have had to stop using the word fanny having been educated to the British slang definition).   If you wanna know why, read about it here. I wasn't going to buy them Uggs because 1. they are very expensive and 2. they weren't ones to treat expensive items with the respect they deserved (nothing like looking into your laundry room and seeing boots covered with salt and water stains)  But I tried to accommodate by finding decent knock-offs.  Yeah...from China.  Yeah...they sucked (side bar 2:  my daughter had a friend, while in a group of friends, examined her Fuggs, fake uggs, thoroughly and proclaim them fake.  In front of everyone.  THIS is what kids do these days).  So the real upshot here is that, through their peers, kids learn there are brands you wear and brands you don't and where you are on the social hierarchy will depend on the brands you wear. As a parent...do you feed the beast?  It's a difficult line and one I simply do not remember my parents walking.  OR if they did, it was a time in history where we simply did not argue with them.

Now let's look at "entertainment".  We took the kids to restaurants (the kind where table manners are imperative, bu tnot at an Emily Post level),  State Fairs, Renaissance Festivals, concerts (or they went with friends), skiing, theater,  games (all the pro games) and those aren't inexpensive endeavors, EVEN IF you happen to get free/cheap tickets, the parking, food, drinks (we will definitely be needing drinks) come at a much steeper price then cracking a cold one while watching a game on TV.

Then there's vacations.  When the kids were young they spent LOTS of weekends at the cabin or driving down to my family in Indiana. Neither really "vacations" but events that I didn't experience.  When the youngest was 3 we took our first family vacation to South Dakota.  We drove and it was a long drive but it was fun.  I think I planned it well. With mostly cabin set ups in various locations.  2 years later we took the kids to DC, then out to Ocean City for a few days then back to Baltimore for a baseball game (Twins!!!) it was a longer drive but still fun.  Then in 2008 my ILs decided to celebrate their 50 year anniversary a year early and took the whole family (21 of us) to Mexico.  That was the kids' first airplane trip.  And aside from the sunburn, they did really well.  In 2009 we introduced them to the Boundary Waters without "camping" by renting a cabin.  You get your feet wet before you dive in.  Trust me.  2010 and 2012 we took the kids to Mexico again (the other coast).  As the kids got older, each trip was prefaced by...this is a gift, NOT an entitlement. Any guesses what the impact of those words were?  Precisely ZERO.

So that is the back story to my post.  A kind of me vs them.  Because I feel like I created a monster.  Or 4.  As parents we are excited to have kids experience that which I may not have had the opportunity to, and be grateful for the experience, however, no matter how you frame it, it always seems to become an entitlement.  Something they somehow believe they should either expect or are owed.  OH, you don't hear it at the time, they are uber appreciative.  But let next year roll around and the inevitable...where are you taking us this year?  question comes up. And you throw a divorce in there and WHOO BOY...you've also got the guilt card, the comparison card...basically you have yourself a losing hand of bullshit cards.  

Then there is college.  When did it become the rigueur du jour for college students to:  not be expected to share a room (either dorm or apartment)? To frequent every restaurant on campus? To NOT have to live on ramen noodles, mac-n-cheese or Totino's pizza? To live as if you had a job and weren't just spending your loan money? To get new bedroom linens each year, and expect actual linen ones? To expect a spring break vacation every year?  When did this happen?  Are there other parents out there looking at their kids' loans and wondering if maybe they had lived as COLLEGE STUDENTS, they wouldn't be as high. I was at Purdue for 3 years (with living expense loans for each year) and I can tell you I probably ate at 4 different places in all that time.  I also spent spring break in Oak Ridge TN, training for crew at a cost of $150 for the week. All 3 years.  So when did it become less about getting an education and more about the "experience" of living on your own but using your loan money to thoroughly enjoy yourself? Did I miss the memo?

I feel like there was a time when I was the parent of no and it really didn't make a difference.  ESPECIALLY post divorce.  One of my kids took several trips (while working...I'll give them that) while I was supplementing their income so the could pay their rent.  My thoughts were if you have enough money for extra trips (which at the time I had no job and no money) then you don't need my money so I stopped.  And daddy stepped in.  It's lessons like these that kids need to learn and don't/can't when divorced parents are not on the same page.  No one wants to be the bad guy and there is a need to weigh, are you doing more harm than good by kicking these lessons down the road?  I do admit to that, but I was also, on occasion  willing to don the title. 

I want to be a safety net for my kids, even as the adults they are.  But instead of doing the adulting job and making decisions based on what you can afford, which has never been a requirement and I think is the crux of the issue, they seem to want to continue spending without the understanding that *I* am paying your rent, utilities, phone, medical/dental, and mostly food while watching your dad pump money into you account (without seeming to look and see what you are spending money on) and then watch you jump on planes to warmer climes, or adding new skin art/piercings.  Some of this will be resolved by the end of the year, when I am no longer here, but that doesn't mean I will worry less.  My goal was for them to learn how to live within their means while I WAS the safety net and I've said this out loud to them repeatedly.  And they're not doing it.  Is this my failure or theirs?

 It's both.  I own my failings.  They have yet to fully experience theirs and unfortunately, when they do, it's going to be painful because they are from a generation that expects immediate gratification.  I'm hoping I have the testicular fortitude to do what I should have done and let them land how they will and not attempt to soften it.  I've offered enough warnings of what is to come.  I hope they heeded some.  Welcome to adulting.

Twisted Knickers

Did ya ever have one of those days when you felt like your knickers were perpetually twisted?  And then there is one thing that pushes you over the edge.  Well, I think I'm there.  And ironically, it's not something I SHOULD allow myself to be all twisted over because in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't important.  But do we ever get to choose that which is the last straw?  At least for any given day?

I won't get into specifics, because it really isn't important.  What is important is feeling marginalized.  Like efforts you  make don't matter.  That you don't count.  Yeah.  I'm there.   That thought process that says, "what is it going to take to matter?" or even questioning...DO I make a difference?  Maybe what it important to you isn't AS important to others.  Makes you stop and think.

Again, in the grand scheme of things, it's not something that will rule my life.  But it has been an eye opener and something that I need to give deeper consideration than I have in the past.  Like many things in my life I'm trying to listen to an inner voice and heed the warnings.  I think part of my problem is that when I give of myself, I'm all in.  And maybe others have a different definition of "all in" than I do.  Am I to blame?  Are others?  Clearly it's an expectation issue.  And this tends to fall to me for setting my expectations too high.

So that begs the question...ARE my expectations set too high?  Is common courtesy now a high expectation?  Like holding a door with someone with full hands (or even not)?  Like pausing to let someone cross in front of you?  I can name a whole list of these and in this day and age, I think the answer is yes.  Common courtesy has become too high of an expectation.  And how and when did that happen?  Probably when I was too busy giving too much of myself and didn't notice (OR...did I/have I?)

What does one do?  I think I need to take a (couple) giant step(s) back an gain a different perspective.  The obvious one is the visual one.  Up close, my "problem" seems bigger but maybe my issue isn't as big as I perceive it.  The next less obvious one is that perhaps this is what I need for prioritizing.

And it should start with me.  Because, as I've learned, if I don't prioritize me, who will?

 

PS...I found this in my draft folder (dated Jan 17, 2013) which I think is hilarious that our issues never really go away.  You just tuck them out of sight.  And it seemed to be a perfect prelude to my next post.  So stay tuned.

THAT Child

 

 

 

She came into my bedroom at o'dark thirty to show me this hat.

 

Which got me thinking.  When I restarted this blog I did so with the intent that this wasn't going to be about my kids and how parenting them was HARD.  Well, since it's my blog I'm going to take a moment of personal privilege. NO, it's not a birthday where all praises are the order of the day.  It's just your yearly St. Patrick's Day.  And no, the day, in and of itself, doesn't really call for one child to be singled out, but that's what I'm gonna do.

First (and there's always a preface), with 4 kids, they are constantly reminding me of how I love one of my children more than the rest.  Which is patently false.  I love each of my children DIFFERENTLY from their siblings.  But they don't see that.  They see only that I don't get mad at one as often...or that one "gets away" with more shit than they do.  They see my love through the prism of their experience and I can't change that.  But it isn't QUANTITY...it's QUALITY.  And quality looks different to different people.

So that said let's talk about life with Red.  Because, I am living with the adult version and it is challenging.  She is SO VERY OPINIONATED and I know she gets that from my side of the family.  I have it a little (those who know me, you just shut up), but OMG...my sister and my aunt (my mom's sister) had it in SPADES.  My mom used the phrase that "they went to the beat of their own drum" (and mom passed when I was 4 months pregnant with Red...she would have laughed SOOOO hard at me now) and this is accurate. They are/were all CRAZY (as in, so much that their pores ooze it) intelligent, and draw conclusions on what they know, not necessarily on what is/was fact.  Both can exist at the same time (as in, there are facts out there that they might not necessarily know).  But you can't convince them of this.  If they don't know it, it is not fact.  So...you see the challenge. And in all cases, they rarely own up to their mistakes.  They don't project or deflect.  They just ignore.  And you should too (or so they think).

 

From day one, this child was NOTHING like my other two (at the time). Again...why they don't get treated the same.  She didn't take a binky, choosing instead her index and middle finger as her paci, and if you were holding her, the other hand went directly to your earlobe.  No passing go, not collecting $200.  It didn't matter who was holding her, friend, foe, Jack the Ripper, this is what she did.  The earlobe thing she grew out of in her toddler years, but the fingers took much longer.  She was probably around 8 when SHE decided she was done and SHE was going to solve the problem.  So she wrapped tissue around her fingers and taped it there.  This was more of a nightly thing because it was done in her sleep. With a week she was done.  All on her own.

All through her school years she did not give ONE RIP about what people thought of her(I'm guessing she did, but she never let anyone see it)  Case in point: the green fuzzy hat(see above pic).  So her older sister went with friends to Mall of America and she won (I think) this lime green fuzzy bucket hat.  Red absconded with it wore it EVERYWHERE.  Probably for a good year.  When she graduated HS, I found the hat, I washed it up and sent it out with all of her close friends, to take picture of themselves wearing it at all of her favorite places around town.  Then a scrapbook of all the pictures was created.  I think that scrapbook was probably one of her favorite graduation gifts.

Once she turned 18 (her senior year), I knew my influence over her was done, but I hoped lessons in restraint (at least) were learned.  And I knew this when she decided to get her nose pierced.  I SO did not want this, but for my own reasons.  BUT...I knew she was going to do it so I tried to be as supportive as possible.  While this isn't MY thing, for her, it very much suits her personality.  And of course, as I expected once she realized she was on the road to "self realization", the tattoos came.  Now, I CAN'T get my panties in a twist over this having one myself (for myself), but as in real estate...Location, Location, Location.  She has mostly small tattoos but they hold meaning for her (R for Remy, Golden for Gophers, her Virgo sign, 444, etc)  Again, she is an adult and I'm just thankful she doesn't have giant flames shooting out of her ass, so you look for the positive.  And the reality is they suit her, the woman she has become.

 

She's my thrifter.  Now, I'm not a thrifter in the sense that she is, but I LOVE me a good bargain.  She is my treasure hunter in a world others consider trash and is able to find some of the most amazing deals and transform them into something that takes an imagination I simply do not have.  Clothes, collectables, ordinary things...she touches and POOF, they are now extraordinary.

 

The one area where she zagged where I though she would remain zigged was hair color.  She has gradually lightened her beautiful titian colored hair to a very pretty strawberry blonde, which fit her and was very attractive, but it just seemed so opposite to what I have come to know her actions to be.  She was never one to follow a trend and look like everyone else and her having this stunning hair color that set her apart and was who she was, was part of the package. In essence, her zagging baffled me.  One of those times with her that I've just had to say (mostly to myself), she'll figure it out. *see post script

With Red being a new college graduate, she is finding herself.  Her degree is in Psychology and she hopes to one day continue with her education eventually in the forensics world, "but that takes tools(money)...that takes time" and she needs to get her feet under her in this world of adulting.  So she obtained her first post college full time employment:  she is managing a Boxing Gym.

Because...WHAT ELSE WOULD THIS CHILD DO????

She has already made such amazing growth strides that I am certain this is a great fit for her.  In addition to typical office type manager duties, she is learning how to manage people, to be tactful, she gets to party plan (getting paid to do what she loves to do), and she is teaching boxing classes (as a beginner) to Parkinsons patients (for muscle control.  Side bar: my grandmother had Parkinsons, and her tremors were REALLY bad so this just makes my heart swell).

This woman...she OOZES self confidence in a way I simply cannot fathom.  Now I get a huge part of this is my conservative nature.  She would call it prude which to be honest makes me a little sad.  I don't think I am TOO propriety oriented, but I do think there is a level of decorum that society on a whole should adhere to, whether it's your clothing, your actions or your language. I don't want them codified but I also would expect people would use good sense.  Those aren't high expectations (which I readily admit I have).  I am in the "just because you can doesn't mean you should" camp, and she's in the "do it and see what happens" camp although I do try to look at her approach positively, admiring her bravado, while wishing she thought (she doesn't) that mine is ALSO ok.

So let me recap.  Red is very much her own person.  She is strong, opinionated and self confident.  She has the will to find a way (if SHE chooses).  She has a giving heart and tries to look for the best in people, sometimes to a fault (you can't and shouldn't always ignore the ugly). She is my Lucy in a world of Kardashians and I am so grateful I got to parent her and hopefully be part of who she has become.  Even if it was just a little.

*PS...for those who have seen her recent pictures, know she is pretty blonde now.  She has decided to my everlasting delight to return to her natural roots.  Lucy indeed.