Defining Trauma

My dad was big on vocabulary.  He didn't go to college until after he had done 27 years in the Air Force, but he spent those years finding ways to better himself.  One was the Reader's Digest vocabulary quiz and find ways to incorporate those words into conversations.  So, to this day, and maybe in his honor, I attempt to use words that are appropriate but just outside the expected.

Trauma though...trauma is a word that hits you.  Maybe because you've experienced it or maybe because you've watched it, but it's definitely a gut punch.  If you google it, you'll find that now days trauma is defined as the psychological distress following any terrible or life threatening event.  Of course Merriam defines it from the physical aspect; an injury to tissue.  But for the purpose of this I'm going to concentrate on the psychological one.

My divorce traumatized me.  Not in the same way as being part of or watching a horrific event, but for me, it sorta was.  Both.  I never imagined being divorced.  Ever.  And after 24 years of marriage, why would I?  But apparently a grey divorce is a thing.  The trauma I experienced was on so many different levels I'm not sure where I would start.

I guess let's start with betrayal.  Followed by a deep sense of rejection.  Then the sacrifice of my family so that we could be near his and of my career so our kids would have the stability of one parent being home.  The dysfunction of a broken home that will follow not only me but my children. The betrayal (this time friends and "family")...UGH...the list is long and really if you want to read all about it, this kinda covers it.  So yeah, it was pretty traumatic.  And I'm dealing.  Doing better.  GETTING better each day, each week...so there is that.  My life will never be the same.  But maybe that's not a bad thing.  The things that made my marriage not work are no longer a factor.  And would I have gotten here without the divorce?  Maybe although I doubt it.  You have to want to fix what's broken and you can't alone.  And maybe I will eventually be in a better place NOT in spite of it but because of it. 

But here's the thing...

Trauma always leaves a scar

It follows us home...

It changes our lives...

Trauma messes everybody up.

But maybe that's the point.

All the pain and the fear and the crap

Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward

It's what pushes us

Maybe we have to get a little messed up

Before we can step up. ~ Alex Karev

I added that for 2 reasons.  First, it's appropriate.  Second Karev said it and I've maintained that I have miss named my rescue dog.  He should be named Karev.  Because he's kind of a dick, but to the right person (well, me) he is actually pretty sweet.