Twisted Knickers

Did ya ever have one of those days when you felt like your knickers were perpetually twisted?  And then there is one thing that pushes you over the edge.  Well, I think I'm there.  And ironically, it's not something I SHOULD allow myself to be all twisted over because in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't important.  But do we ever get to choose that which is the last straw?  At least for any given day?

I won't get into specifics, because it really isn't important.  What is important is feeling marginalized.  Like efforts you  make don't matter.  That you don't count.  Yeah.  I'm there.   That thought process that says, "what is it going to take to matter?" or even questioning...DO I make a difference?  Maybe what it important to you isn't AS important to others.  Makes you stop and think.

Again, in the grand scheme of things, it's not something that will rule my life.  But it has been an eye opener and something that I need to give deeper consideration than I have in the past.  Like many things in my life I'm trying to listen to an inner voice and heed the warnings.  I think part of my problem is that when I give of myself, I'm all in.  And maybe others have a different definition of "all in" than I do.  Am I to blame?  Are others?  Clearly it's an expectation issue.  And this tends to fall to me for setting my expectations too high.

So that begs the question...ARE my expectations set too high?  Is common courtesy now a high expectation?  Like holding a door with someone with full hands (or even not)?  Like pausing to let someone cross in front of you?  I can name a whole list of these and in this day and age, I think the answer is yes.  Common courtesy has become too high of an expectation.  And how and when did that happen?  Probably when I was too busy giving too much of myself and didn't notice (OR...did I/have I?)

What does one do?  I think I need to take a (couple) giant step(s) back an gain a different perspective.  The obvious one is the visual one.  Up close, my "problem" seems bigger but maybe my issue isn't as big as I perceive it.  The next less obvious one is that perhaps this is what I need for prioritizing.

And it should start with me.  Because, as I've learned, if I don't prioritize me, who will?

 

PS...I found this in my draft folder (dated Jan 17, 2013) which I think is hilarious that our issues never really go away.  You just tuck them out of sight.  And it seemed to be a perfect prelude to my next post.  So stay tuned.

THAT Child

 

 

 

She came into my bedroom at o'dark thirty to show me this hat.

 

Which got me thinking.  When I restarted this blog I did so with the intent that this wasn't going to be about my kids and how parenting them was HARD.  Well, since it's my blog I'm going to take a moment of personal privilege. NO, it's not a birthday where all praises are the order of the day.  It's just your yearly St. Patrick's Day.  And no, the day, in and of itself, doesn't really call for one child to be singled out, but that's what I'm gonna do.

First (and there's always a preface), with 4 kids, they are constantly reminding me of how I love one of my children more than the rest.  Which is patently false.  I love each of my children DIFFERENTLY from their siblings.  But they don't see that.  They see only that I don't get mad at one as often...or that one "gets away" with more shit than they do.  They see my love through the prism of their experience and I can't change that.  But it isn't QUANTITY...it's QUALITY.  And quality looks different to different people.

So that said let's talk about life with Red.  Because, I am living with the adult version and it is challenging.  She is SO VERY OPINIONATED and I know she gets that from my side of the family.  I have it a little (those who know me, you just shut up), but OMG...my sister and my aunt (my mom's sister) had it in SPADES.  My mom used the phrase that "they went to the beat of their own drum" (and mom passed when I was 4 months pregnant with Red...she would have laughed SOOOO hard at me now) and this is accurate. They are/were all CRAZY (as in, so much that their pores ooze it) intelligent, and draw conclusions on what they know, not necessarily on what is/was fact.  Both can exist at the same time (as in, there are facts out there that they might not necessarily know).  But you can't convince them of this.  If they don't know it, it is not fact.  So...you see the challenge. And in all cases, they rarely own up to their mistakes.  They don't project or deflect.  They just ignore.  And you should too (or so they think).

 

From day one, this child was NOTHING like my other two (at the time). Again...why they don't get treated the same.  She didn't take a binky, choosing instead her index and middle finger as her paci, and if you were holding her, the other hand went directly to your earlobe.  No passing go, not collecting $200.  It didn't matter who was holding her, friend, foe, Jack the Ripper, this is what she did.  The earlobe thing she grew out of in her toddler years, but the fingers took much longer.  She was probably around 8 when SHE decided she was done and SHE was going to solve the problem.  So she wrapped tissue around her fingers and taped it there.  This was more of a nightly thing because it was done in her sleep. With a week she was done.  All on her own.

All through her school years she did not give ONE RIP about what people thought of her(I'm guessing she did, but she never let anyone see it)  Case in point: the green fuzzy hat(see above pic).  So her older sister went with friends to Mall of America and she won (I think) this lime green fuzzy bucket hat.  Red absconded with it wore it EVERYWHERE.  Probably for a good year.  When she graduated HS, I found the hat, I washed it up and sent it out with all of her close friends, to take picture of themselves wearing it at all of her favorite places around town.  Then a scrapbook of all the pictures was created.  I think that scrapbook was probably one of her favorite graduation gifts.

Once she turned 18 (her senior year), I knew my influence over her was done, but I hoped lessons in restraint (at least) were learned.  And I knew this when she decided to get her nose pierced.  I SO did not want this, but for my own reasons.  BUT...I knew she was going to do it so I tried to be as supportive as possible.  While this isn't MY thing, for her, it very much suits her personality.  And of course, as I expected once she realized she was on the road to "self realization", the tattoos came.  Now, I CAN'T get my panties in a twist over this having one myself (for myself), but as in real estate...Location, Location, Location.  She has mostly small tattoos but they hold meaning for her (R for Remy, Golden for Gophers, her Virgo sign, 444, etc)  Again, she is an adult and I'm just thankful she doesn't have giant flames shooting out of her ass, so you look for the positive.  And the reality is they suit her, the woman she has become.

 

She's my thrifter.  Now, I'm not a thrifter in the sense that she is, but I LOVE me a good bargain.  She is my treasure hunter in a world others consider trash and is able to find some of the most amazing deals and transform them into something that takes an imagination I simply do not have.  Clothes, collectables, ordinary things...she touches and POOF, they are now extraordinary.

 

The one area where she zagged where I though she would remain zigged was hair color.  She has gradually lightened her beautiful titian colored hair to a very pretty strawberry blonde, which fit her and was very attractive, but it just seemed so opposite to what I have come to know her actions to be.  She was never one to follow a trend and look like everyone else and her having this stunning hair color that set her apart and was who she was, was part of the package. In essence, her zagging baffled me.  One of those times with her that I've just had to say (mostly to myself), she'll figure it out. *see post script

With Red being a new college graduate, she is finding herself.  Her degree is in Psychology and she hopes to one day continue with her education eventually in the forensics world, "but that takes tools(money)...that takes time" and she needs to get her feet under her in this world of adulting.  So she obtained her first post college full time employment:  she is managing a Boxing Gym.

Because...WHAT ELSE WOULD THIS CHILD DO????

She has already made such amazing growth strides that I am certain this is a great fit for her.  In addition to typical office type manager duties, she is learning how to manage people, to be tactful, she gets to party plan (getting paid to do what she loves to do), and she is teaching boxing classes (as a beginner) to Parkinsons patients (for muscle control.  Side bar: my grandmother had Parkinsons, and her tremors were REALLY bad so this just makes my heart swell).

This woman...she OOZES self confidence in a way I simply cannot fathom.  Now I get a huge part of this is my conservative nature.  She would call it prude which to be honest makes me a little sad.  I don't think I am TOO propriety oriented, but I do think there is a level of decorum that society on a whole should adhere to, whether it's your clothing, your actions or your language. I don't want them codified but I also would expect people would use good sense.  Those aren't high expectations (which I readily admit I have).  I am in the "just because you can doesn't mean you should" camp, and she's in the "do it and see what happens" camp although I do try to look at her approach positively, admiring her bravado, while wishing she thought (she doesn't) that mine is ALSO ok.

So let me recap.  Red is very much her own person.  She is strong, opinionated and self confident.  She has the will to find a way (if SHE chooses).  She has a giving heart and tries to look for the best in people, sometimes to a fault (you can't and shouldn't always ignore the ugly). She is my Lucy in a world of Kardashians and I am so grateful I got to parent her and hopefully be part of who she has become.  Even if it was just a little.

*PS...for those who have seen her recent pictures, know she is pretty blonde now.  She has decided to my everlasting delight to return to her natural roots.  Lucy indeed.

 

 

 

 

Reading is Fundamental

 I was never much of a reader.  I wasn't.  I had no interest, so I struggled in elementary school because somethings REQUIRED reading.  Spelling for example.  I have a distinct memory of cheating on a 2nd grade spelling test with a book with the word violin in it because I could not for the life of me figure out  how to spell it . (SEE...that whole chicken...egg...argument in SO many different ways.  Yes, I was caught, no I didn't ever cheat on another test.

It wasn't until I was around 11 that my sister gave me my first Harlequin Romance.  OH YES I DID.  Now to be fair, it was what sparked my interest in reading, I didn't just head right down the road to smut (not then anyhow).  After I figured out that I could read something and enjoy it, I was able to go back and read some of the books I skipped over.  The Little House series.   The All of a Kind Family series .  I was still fairly particular as the topic had to spark my interest.  My sister did the Bobbsey Twins and Nancy Drew books, but I wasn't interested.

By 8th grade I had discovered such (chick-lit at that time) authors as Taylor Caldwell, Helen Van Slyke and yes Danielle Steele (WAY back in the day)  I was still reading the occasional Harlequin but I felt like I had grown as a reader (yeah...I can say that).  I remember in 9th grade, when the Thornbirds hit the shelves, staying up until 3am of the morning I had to go in and take a Geometry Regents (a NY state version of a final exam) exam just to finish it. I had also become a fan of Kathleen E Woodiwiss (whose prose tends to run a little purpley). I had come a long way.

My reading tastes expanded a bit over the years. But I struggle with two things: the classics and being told what to read.  This might harken to my high school days when I was forced to read the classics for English.  Freshman year was Red Badge of Courage (and I'm saddened to say I probably relied more on cliff notes).  Sophomore year was Ethan Frome.  I thank GOD Mrs Robinson read most of it in class because...no, just no.  And Junior and Senior year I have completely blanked out on what the required reading was.  But it was classic related.  Oddly enough, when I moved out on my own, I decided I needed to create my own library so I started purchasing the classic books (leather covers, gold foil lettering and page edging) from the Franklin Mint.  I have in my possession:  Moby Dick, Pride and Prejudice, David Copperfield, Vanity Fair, Huckleberry Finn, Candide, Plutarch- Selected Lives, Treasure Island...there may be a few more.  Wanna take a guess at which I've read?  Not one.  Maybe someday, when no one tells me I have to.

I moved through Dean Koontz and John Saul (creepy) books with regularity. Never a fan of Stephen King although I did read Thinner (he wrote it under a pseudonym).  I read all of the Harry Potter (have the first editions in hard cover..WOOT WOOT).  I read some Tom Clancy and Joel C Rosenberg. I became a huge fan of Vince Flynn but I haven't read anything by the writer who has taken over his Mitch Rapp series.  About 15 years ago I turned to Christian literature, having read all of the Left Behind series, and most of Karen Kingsbury.  I remember turning my oldest daughter onto Karen Kingsbury when she was a sophomore.  She read her voraciously that year and ended up with like a 1400 on her SAT reading scores. I made it through the first 3 of Diana Gabaldon Outlander series before I lost interest.  That could have been too much too fast.

And I have a problem with too much too fast of specific authors.  I discovered Jodi Picoult who I LOVED.  At first.  But her books do have a dark shadow in almost all of them and if you read them in succession that darkness tends to linger.  I had to break up reading them, choosing other authors in between,  and was fine.  Until I read Sing You Home.  She lost me there.  Never, in all my years of reading, did I flip to the back to see how  a book ended before that one and I did and threw it against the wall.  Not because I didn't know the ending, but because this time I did.  Her endings ALWAYS have a twist, which I rarely see coming in a book, until that book and she telegraphed how she would end it. There was definitely an agenda there.

Maybe 15 years ago, I made a hard left and started reading Historical Romance little knowing that in some cases it was soft porn.  Yeah.  I said it.  Bertrice Small was a favorite (and not I might add for the faint hearted).   And Stephanie Laurens. Both of them go through whole families and I liked that, eagerly awaiting the next book.  Other authors like Hannah Howell, had a couple different genres within the Historical Romance arena. She does mostly Highland romances but also adds a touch of paranormal into her books.  Linsay Sands is similar but dips into the occult. Lynn Kurland has 2 fun series, the Macleod and DiPaget, where she moves characters through time.  Karen Marie Moning also mixed Highlander Series (it must be the area) with some paranormal, THEN went straight up soft porn with her Fever Series (this was all about the fae, keep a fan handy).

My routine was to read at night in bed before turning out the light, or if I was sitting in the sun or bored.   Anyway, you get the picture.  A non reader turned reader.  Right up until the early days of the divorce when my ex told his girlfriend who relayed to her (now ex) husband who told me that I spent all of our marriage reading and he raised our kids pretty much on his own.  (just so you know, there is no way he could have had information regarding my reading...it had to come from somewhere).  At any rate, it was during that time that I literally stopped reading.  All together (yeah...I know the root cause). Oh here and there throughout the past 6 years I've managed to get through a new book (Kristen Hannah's Nightengale), but I haven't read with the same voracity as I used to.  I would have (actually I still do) have a stack of books on my nightstand to work my way through at night, but I have forgone that in favor of my phone or the TV (yes...I KNOW how bad that is).  As a result, I don't sleep well.  I spent the first 2 years on Trazodone, just to get a couple hours of sleep.  Then I tried melatonin which really didn't help.  Then exercise which calmed the body but not the brain.  It has only been in the last 2 years that I've been able to get some fairly decent sleep.  Ironically, in the heart of the city.  I could hear a train in my old house go through town 4 miles away, but in my 100 year old house, I hear only faint outside noise.

Last night I went to bed and I decided I was going to just read. No phone, no TV.  I picked up a new book I had and made it around 20 pages before the book started dropping...my tell that I am ready to turn out the light. I never even looked at what time it was.  Light off and I was out cold.  For a good 7 hours.  That just doesn't happen.  So I am now in experiment mode.  Will it work again tonight?  We'll see.  And if it doesn't, that doesn't mean I'm going to stop reading.  I've really missed it.