For so long we are our children's advocate, and if you are fortunate to have a supportive spouse, you might have someone in your corner (I didn't). So how do we be that "physican who heals themself" person when you have to be your own advocate?
Last month I celebrated my 2nd year at my new job. Oddly my first year was still somewhat fraught with post divorce/child rearing/house selling issues. Then throw in a pandemic where I was "forced"* to work from home, let's just say I had a bit of a rocky start.
Then...my life outside of work stabilized and I was in a better place. I started asking questions, getting answers, volunteering, basically stepping out of my comfort zone. Sometimes, you can't figure things out on your own and that's OK.
We have bi monthly checkins with our manager and the past year working from home, I've felt good. Oh, I've had stressful meetings, usually dealing with pushed deadlines, but on the whole, I believe I've made great strides professionally. It was at the last check-in, that coincided with a self/peer/management assessment that I decided now was the time to be my own advocate. While I believe that my employer does value my work, I didn't think it was translating...financially. OH, I got the same merit increases and bonuses as my co-workers, but I was still stuck at the lowest position with the organization and I wasn't quite sure why. So on my self assessment I said that "I sometimes feel valued". This caught my manager's attention and during our check in, where I was given a glowing review both from her and my peers, I was asked about it.
I decided to be as honest as I could be. I knew I had a rough first year, but given working from home I was exceeding expectations, I wasn't sure why I wasn't progressing within the organization. I phrased it in such a way as I would like to now how I wasn't progressing so that I could fix it to get to the next level.
3 days later, I was at the next level in my profession. It is a bit of a catch-22, though not knowing if it was done because I brought attention to it or if it was done because it was deserved. I'm going to go with the second because I'm working on being more positive. But I will encourage you to be your own advocate. If not you, then who?
When you are mid-separation, you're out of a job, your friends have abandoned you, you become lonely...craving adult interaction. Church helps but it's once a week. Women's groups help but they're also as damaged and usually by the same situation. So while sympathy does love company, sometimes what's called for is fun. You want to feel some sense of normalcy. Whatever that is. You want someone to make you feel wanted. Needed. Cherished.
With limited options, I decided to give Match a try. So here goes the first story of Match. There'll be more to come, but you have to start somewhere. First off, I'm gonna say, don't do it until you have the paperwork in hand. By that I mean your divorced papers. Just don't. There's too much angst, too much unresolved. It just isn't a good idea. At the time you think "this is how I move on". But can you? Are you ready to? That answer is probably no. Tie up those lose ends.
I'll say my first foray into Match was not at all what I expected. I met this guy, also separated, who SAID he was in a similar situation (not sure if there was adultery involved but she supposedly wanted out of a 23 year marriage too). He had one less child but the ones he had were WEIRDLY similar to mine. We had the same phone. We ordered the same drink at Starbucks. It was very strange. Seriously, the first horse out of the gate? Does that ever happen?
We had several pretty fun dates. We went to a brewery and dinner. We had bloodies on a rainy day and watched a movie. We went to the horse races. It was...fun. Fun I had been missing. Someone thought of me. Wanted to see me smile, me happy. I really can't remember a time I had that kind of attention. And I'll share this as well. There was nothing physical involved.
Then, the "last" time we met, we did kiss. OMG...did we kiss. It was what I hadn't had and craved. It was just a kiss but it was a KISS. My toes curled and cramped. It was that good. Later that night the flirty text about said toes curling. Then...dun, da, dun dun.DUUUNNNN...the inevitable text about needing to stand down. Not sure of himself or what he wants. So...deep breath. We're wading...just wading. We're knee deep, and can easily wander back to ankle...maybe calf deep. We aren't underwater.
About 6 months later, I get the out-of-the-blue text while waiting for the playoff game. Like that kiss happened the day before. It was so very weird. And if I was a smart girl I'd have taken a hard pass, but...what can I say? I'm weak. So, THIS is my punishment for not getting the first time around that when guys show you who they are BELIEVE THEM. More of the same. Hoping the lesson took this time. No 6 month postmortem, so I think I'm good. The lesson had been learned.
Never fear my brave Boudiccas (yes, I'm gonna make you look that one up), I will soldier on and I DO have more stories to share. And some, well...damn. Stay tuned.
My dad was big on vocabulary. He didn't go to college until after he had done 27 years in the Air Force, but he spent those years finding ways to better himself. One was the Reader's Digest vocabulary quiz and find ways to incorporate those words into conversations. So, to this day, and maybe in his honor, I attempt to use words that are appropriate but just outside the expected.
Trauma though...trauma is a word that hits you. Maybe because you've experienced it or maybe because you've watched it, but it's definitely a gut punch. If you google it, you'll find that now days trauma is defined as the psychological distress following any terrible or life threatening event. Of course Merriam defines it from the physical aspect; an injury to tissue. But for the purpose of this I'm going to concentrate on the psychological one.
My divorce traumatized me. Not in the same way as being part of or watching a horrific event, but for me, it sorta was. Both. I never imagined being divorced. Ever. And after 24 years of marriage, why would I? But apparently a grey divorce is a thing. The trauma I experienced was on so many different levels I'm not sure where I would start.
I guess let's start with betrayal. Followed by a deep sense of rejection. Then the sacrifice of my family so that we could be near his and of my career so our kids would have the stability of one parent being home. The dysfunction of a broken home that will follow not only me but my children. The betrayal (this time friends and "family")...UGH...the list is long and really if you want to read all about it, this kinda covers it. So yeah, it was pretty traumatic. And I'm dealing. Doing better. GETTING better each day, each week...so there is that. My life will never be the same. But maybe that's not a bad thing. The things that made my marriage not work are no longer a factor. And would I have gotten here without the divorce? Maybe although I doubt it. You have to want to fix what's broken and you can't alone. And maybe I will eventually be in a better place NOT in spite of it but because of it.
But here's the thing...
Trauma always leaves a scar
It follows us home...
It changes our lives...
Trauma messes everybody up.
But maybe that's the point.
All the pain and the fear and the crap
Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward
It's what pushes us
Maybe we have to get a little messed up
Before we can step up. ~ Alex Karev
I added that for 2 reasons. First, it's appropriate. Second Karev said it and I've maintained that I have miss named my rescue dog. He should be named Karev. Because he's kind of a dick, but to the right person (well, me) he is actually pretty sweet.
There is a great Commencement Speech given by US Navy Admiral William McRaven entitled, If you Want to Change the World, Start off my Making your Bed
I didn't need Admiral McRaven to tell me this, but I'll be honest, I don't remember exactly when I put this into practice. I know I've been making my bed religiously (unless of course I've plans to wash it or I'm in it) daily at least for the past 20 years. And I don't remember why but I think it might hearken back to his comment that even if my day was shit(my word not his, because...inappropriate)....and believe me, I've had may share of shit days, I will have started my day with one small task accomplished.
One.Small.Accomplishment. Sometimes that is all it takes to spur you on to you're next small accomplishment. Then your next. And before you know it, your day if full of that which you didn't think you could accomplish at all, let alone in one day.
But no, worlds don't change from making your bed. It takes more than that but it STARTS with that. The world changes from the power of one person. I'm one person. You're one person. What can I do to change my little corner of the world? I can make my bed, NOT because it's messy, but because it sets me on a path to do the right thing. You start that by a single success. Just one. Which gives you the push to maybe get another success on the books. Then another. It's getting to that point where "nothing matters but your will to succeed". And that has to start somewhere.
I've tried this with my kids over the years. Trying to help them see that there needs to be a will to succeed and it has to start with THEM. I can't force that on them, as much as I want to. It has to come FROM them. And too often what is really required is that first success. So when you start out, keep your goals attainable. Make a list of three accomplishments you want for the day. It can start with something as simple as make your bed and if that is all that is done then great. It's a first step to hopefully attaining your goals for the next day, which might be the same goals. The power of hope starts small until you see it in action. Once you see hope attained you set your goals a little higher...a little loftier. And you set about making those goals happen. With hope.
He's right. We have to set about getting those little things right, so that you can approach the big things with the same fortitude. I'm not perfect. And I still fail, WAY more than I care to admit. But I really do try to embody many of the characteristics Admiral McRaven speaks of. Respect for everyone. This is a tough one especially in light of today's cancel culture. We can no longer have philosophical difference of opinion. Now people must be cancelled for not adhering to group think. I still have the ability to disagree with you and allow you your opinion regardless of who is right. But I am now in the minority of that thought process and I find that disheartening. Life is not fair. NO...it isn't. But as he says one's will to succeed is a great equalizer. I also believe that it needs to be coupled with perseverance because sometimes there will be setbacks. What's the saying, something worth having is worth fighting for. You not only have to fight to succeed, but you have to keep on fighting, especially when the going gets tough.
Face bullies. Stand your ground. Bullies come in all shapes and sizes. Look in the mirror and remind yourself of that when you see what you think is an injustice, if you have ever contributed to an injustice. And it doesn't have to be THAT injustice. Have you ever treated people without respect because of what you THINK they believe?. Because of where they are from? Because of what they do for a living? Because if you have, you are a bully and part of the problem. The solution comes when you accept people can be different from you, think different from you, live different from you and still be worthy of respect. We judge people on the content of their character. Nothing more. Nothing less. Character, I think speaks volumes about who we are as an individual. Ascribing people to one of your "unworthy" boxes, not because of anything they've done, but because they think differently than you makes you a bully. Now, what are you going to do about it? Open your mind not to what you think but what you KNOW.
Never give up. SO.MANY.TIMES. I have wanted to give up. Sometimes, just making my bed in the morning has given me what I need to move forward. There will be days, and there have been, when I've thought, well, that was a bust, and trod upstairs to my room only to find my made bed and thought, well, it wasn't a complete bust.
Ok. I had to start that way. Because...well, a little Nina Simone. A little Mike Wazoswki. Because...me.
So, I've been contemplating this for a while and I thought WTF. Now's the time you get to be you. So, here I am. In all my glory.
This blog is going to take a radical shift. Yeah, I'm gonna keep the main parts. The me. But it is also going to get down to the nitty gritty. The REAL me. Some of you may know it. Some of you may not. I'll be brutally honest, this isn't always going to pretty. This isn't about pretty. It's about real. It's about how life really is, not just the parts that we want others to see. That's easy. You tie it up in a bow and present it to the internet as what YOU want THEM to see, show others what they think they want to see. Show them all the shiny side and let the tarnished part be hidden. Nope. Not gonna happen. The good part? You are are not required to partake. You have this lovely little (x) button in the top right corner of your screen that will allow you to clutch your pearls and exit...stage left. And that's fine. Everyone has a limit. Even me (although at this point, I'll be honest, I don't know where that line is)
For the rest of you, this is for you. This is for you so you know YOU are not alone. All those things that are floating around in your head, yeah, you are not the only one who thinks THAT. Be brave. Be strong. We've got this.
For now, hang on. It's about to get real.
Love to all of those who have stuck with me through the years. I've got my typing fingers back. But be warned, I'm not wearing gloves.
xoxoxoxoxo
PS Because I've deleted my facebook page (I KNOW, right? ), I can't change the badge at the right. Wish I could.
Sometimes, just when you think you've lost all hope in humanity, your child steps up to the plate and hits it out of the park. And you get to pat yourself on the back because you know you've had something to do with it.
My middle daughter had some friends over last night and they were in the basement painting. Kinda like the Paint Nights you see that have become all the rage, but they don't limit themselves to the one painting that everyone else does. They do their own. I currently have poppies in my downstairs bathroom, the girls have a jellyfish and a turtle (needs to be hung) in their bathroom. But this morning, I found this on my kitchen counter:
No request, no suggestion, no nothing. She just knows that I carry that verse with me everywhere I go. So she made sure I could wake up to it.
Yup...my kids have proven to me that they are without a doubt my greatest blessings.
I like shiny and new. I like not being concerned with something breaking and having to fix it. (when you live in a 20 year old house, you just KNOW what's coming soon). But I also have invested in some things that I considered a lifetime investment: my dining room set and my bedroom set. Over the years they've attained a few battle scars (4 kids and it's inevitable), but I still see the beauty in them. They're solid. They've been made to last well beyond my lifetime. They're not really in style, but given the classic nature, they will be again. So they're something I'll hold onto forever. Not everything works that way, especially in today's society. It's all about newer, shinier, faster, prettier, younger. That's where I am today. I am in the process of being thrown away. 23 years of marriage and no warning, just I don't love you and he had the "promise" of happiness elsewhere (which, to be fair, he let me know that the same happiness was "out there" for me as well). If you read that the way I heard than then BINGO...you are correct. Apparently "elsewhere" was living about 7 miles from our house and he has the good fortune to work with "elsewhere". . That was it. 23 years of marriage and he was done, not willing to work on our marriage, although to his credit, he did go to counseling sessions so he could check off that box (that was the assuage the guilt from the kids, because he was there only in body. Not one effort was made which he readily admits.)
The kids? Well, he has taken the stance that kids come from divorced families all the time and they turn out fine. Well, except for that part about being at a higher risk of divorce themselves (can you say cyclic? I knew you could). Of course he says that because it makes what he's doing easier. No repercussions. At least not immediate ones. And since he's not in the house (and I can't have him there) he doesn't see the daily turmoil these girls are going through and the way they are expressing their feelings, lashing out at each other. And if he did see it, he would just write it off as...girls. As for me, I'm in a complete fog of emotions that include: confusion, hurt, anger and fear round out the top 4. Confusion that for years (apparently) he has been unhappy and never said a word. Hurt that he is willing to put his family through all this pain, KNOWING he has no moral high ground on which to stand, but willing to do it anyhow. Anger at him for failing to keep his commitments and for modeling behavior to our daughters, what they can expect from men, for our son, that this is what men do (there's a reason why children of divorces also divorce at a higher rate). And Fear, that I moved away from my family so that we could raise our kids near his and now, aside from my kids I am alone. I have been outside of the work force and just barely being back in it, making 1/3 of what he makes (and less than I did when I moved her 20 years ago), having willingly sacrificed those years to raise our children, knowing that the home I spent 20 years making will soon be gone. But I'm working with a church group to wade through this process in a Godly manner. I've not really succeeded too well thus far but I AM working on it. So, this has been the most gut wrenching time of my 50 plus years. But I am counting my blessings. I have 4 wonderful children who will see their mom model the right behavior. They've seen me work at trying to put our marriage into a better place while their dad did nothing. They've seen me honor my commitments made before God. They've seen me be willing to forgive. They've seen me show strength when I thought I had none left. And I probably did. But I have the Lord walking beside me and I'm sure that strength they saw came from Him. My faith through this process has never wavered. THAT's the behavior I want my kids to see, and hopefully my children will see that when you trust in God, He will overcome. Anything. Even this.
I am a divorced (after 24 years of marriage) , older than dirt (ok, it just feels that way) of 4 who now has the opportunity to reinvent myself. Never thought I'd be here but sometimes God gives us blessings in unconventional ways. BUT...I still call myself a conservative and make no apologies for it. THAT hasn't changed.
